Lose Control

Music make you lose control, Music make you lose control…..

I along with the rest of the world was watching the epic Missy Elliot Superbowl performance.  She killed it.  The very next day, I went on Spotify and added all her hits to my playlist.  “Lose Control” was on repeat, giving me the boost that I needed to get through the day.  It was pretty ironic that I was sitting at work listening to this song about “losing control” and all the meanwhile, that’s what was happening in my work life.  No, I was not going bonkers at work, but I was battling with a situation that I was unable to fix.  I had no control over what was happening, however, I had just spent the last six months trying to do so.   

I have been working for an apartment management company for the last six years. There was a point in which I was so happy. I was promoted within the first two years, I was excelling and learning so much about Human Resources, an area that I had grown to love.  I was getting impressive annual reviews on my job performance, raises and bonuses were given every year and I loved the people I worked with – what more could I ask for?  Well the decline of my excitement started sometime last year.  I was beginning to feel plateaued in my position. Some areas of my work load became mundane, but overall I was content.  It wasn’t until my growth as a person began to excel that I began to want more for myself in all realms of my life.  After I read The Alchemist, oh wow, I REALLY wanted more.  I didn’t feel I had to settle where I was and I figured that I needed to change something in order to get out of the comfortable little bed I had been lying in.  I was so empowered by The Alchemist that I started looking at my job as “not for me”.  I knew I was capable of so much more and so I felt as if I was wasting my time at this job that was no longer fulfilling me. 

So many things started to irritate me – my boss who I realized wasn’t coaching or mentoring me the way I wanted, the co-worker who wore too much perfume and gave me a headache, the negativity, heck – even the super loud typing of my coworker was becoming a beat down. I began to feel unhappy and I am sure it showed in my work performance.  I hated going to work and I found myself thinking of any and all ways to fix the rut I was in.  After all those hours of going back and forth in my head with myself, there was no solution.  Instead, the mind monsters brought more negativity to my life.  Meanwhile, some changes at work occurred and I found myself in a more pitiful stump.  Things just got worse.  So what do you do when you dislike your job?  You just want to get out and find a better job with more money, better coworkers and a way better boss.  I begin job searching and the funny thing is nothing sparked my interest, but I began applying to random job listings, hoping for a quick fix to my situation.  That didn’t work because I wasn’t getting any call backs.  That added to my stress.  Why am I not getting any responses to my applications?  What the heck?! 

Somewhere along all this mess, I mustered up the courage to actually talk to my boss about my concerns and unhappiness.  After I spoke with her, man I felt so much better.  Wish I would have done that months prior, but hey, better late than never, right?  I left her office hopeful of change, but what I found out immediately after was nothing really changed and that became so disheartening.  I then became irritated by my boss and felt that I would give her a chance to change things and if she didn’t, well, I would be out that door so quick………………  I was still job searching, but became more eager to leave than ever before.  Nothing.  No call backs, no interesting and appealing job listings. 

My poor husband.  He became my listening ear and heard all my rants about work.  Friends began to hear some of my complaints and while I asked for prayer for my situation, I honestly wasn’t seeking God in my situation.  Well, yes I did pray, but I was praying for all the wrong things.  Fix it.  Change it.  Make it better.  That’s what I wanted.  I was like a nagging two year old and God was simply ignoring me – or so that’s how I felt. 

Every morning I asked God for patience, for clarity, but it wasn’t really coming from my heart.  One day, I just said, “God, I’m tired of feeling this way.  I know there must be something you want me to learn though all this mess, but I just don’t know what.  Please reveal yourself to me.”   I was over throwing my pity party, and I finally began to take notice of the signs God had been placing in front of me. He was not ignoring me, in fact, he had been trying to teach me something and I unfortunately was just not having it.  But it all goes back to my A type behavior.  I wanted to fix my situation.  I was being selfish by trying to fix it myself first.  It wasn’t until all my ideas ran out that I surrendered and asked God to take over. It was my “Jesus, take the wheel” moment.   

And so Jesus took the wheel and he began to drive and lead me to different rest stops, different cities and towns.  The first stop was learning to love everyone the way he does.  I had to stop looking at the people who I didn’t like at work and begin to look at them with loving eyes.  I remember telling my husband, ugh, this is going to be hard.  I don’t want to be nice to this person, but the funny thing is that when I started being nice they ended up being pretty OK.  I forgave my boss for the different things she said or did to make me feel upset.  I wasn’t going to allow her behavior to bring me down.  I will have to say at first it was hard, but I do remember telling my husband, I’m gonna have to fake it to make it.  What I meant was that at first, I was forcing myself to be kinder, to forgive and to grin a smile when all I wanted to do was throw in the towel and walk out.  Eventually, those feelings subsided and I ended up being the old me, the girl who once loved her job, appreciated her job and went the extra mile.

The second stop was letting go.  I am very much a planner, super organized, OCD, super detailed and very much a type A personality.  I plan everything.  My weekly dinner meals are always done, laundry and household chores have to be done or I freak out.  If I forget something or if something is thrown off I freak out as well.  I live off to do lists and I tend to hold the stress of work and home and it’s not a very good mix.  I found myself lying in bed next to my husband on a Sunday night watching Super Soul Sunday with guest Devon Franklin, producer and author of Produced by Faith.  If you have a chance, catch the episode.  I was laying there with tears running down my eyes because it was as if this person, Devon Franklin was speaking directly to me, about me. One of the things he said, and I will never forget.  I even jotted it down in my journal that night.

There are only (2) two things you can control in life.  1. How you prepare for what may happen and 2. How you react to what just happened.  Dang Jesus, you got me.  There was my answer to what He was trying to tell me.  Not only that.  The next morning as I was pulling into work, I was finishing my prayer by asking God again (cause I couldn’t believe it the first time) to reveal himself to me just to let me know this is what he wanted me to hear.  Well low and behold, this is what I found:

                                             

Sometimes it's not a bad idea to forgo the corporate, routine 9-to-5 gig in favor of your own biz: SELFMade Collective blogger Brittani Rettig (check her out on GritByBrit.com!) recently quit her high-profile consulting career to open my own fitness studio, and hasn't looked back much since. In doing, Rettig's not missing the weekly travel and expense account—but know it wasn't a knee-jerk decision, rather, this was something she prepped for for over two years. Check out her insights—all summarized into nine neat questions—before you decide to go out on your own.   

1. What do I dislike about my current job?  

Generally, job dissatisfaction tends to fall in one of two camps: 1) “I dislike my job because it’s hard,” or  2) “I dislike my job because I don’t care about what I’m doing.”  

If you fall in the latter camp (like I did), this may signal that you should change career paths.  

Hardships and challenges are actually good. They build grit and help us achieve long-term goals.  I highly discourage quitting your job because it’s hard or because you have to work with difficult people.  These are temporary situations and you can control how you handle them.  But if you don’t care about what you’re doing, it’s difficult to be passionate about your work.  

2. Am I emotionally stable?

My dad always told me to never send an email when I’m angry and to never make a decision in a valley.  Likewise, it’s probably not a good idea to quit your job if you’re in the midst of tough life experience.  I considered quitting earlier this year when I had to work with a leader that I simply did not like.  At times I was so angry and frustrated I just wanted to throw in the towel.  But now I’m glad that I toughed it out because I was able to reach my savings goals and leave my firm on good terms with a positive reputation.

3. What energizes me?

Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t dislike my consulting career.  In fact I LOVED it. However, once I started teaching group fitness, I realized that I had an excitement about leading workouts that I simply didn’t have in consulting.  I’m learning to lean into the things that energize me—and I encourage you to do the same.

4.  What is my gift?

I love this quote from Pablo Picasso: “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.” I believe that our “gift” is any talent/skill that we can share with others to help them live life more abundantly.  It’s often something that we are both naturally good at and enjoy doing. Often, you can discover you gift by answering question #3 – find what energizes you!

Okay, I got it.  So lesson is I can’t control what life throws at me.  The only thing I can control is the way I respond.  Got it. 

I have been going into work each day now with a brand new attitude.  At the end of the day, God sees it all.  If he wants to open a door for me, he will.  He’s God.  He has the power.  He has the power to change my situation at any given time, but if he had opened a door prior to me leaning this valuable lesson, I wouldn’t have the wisdom that I have now or the ability to let it go.  Don’t get me wrong, everything still isn’t peachy keen, but all I can do in the meantime is control the way I react.  I’m choosing to let it go and be happy knowing that God is proud of me for paying attention to his direction, for allowing myself to listen and persevere in the midst of trouble. 

Take away for today is stay positive.  If you don’t feel like God is listening to you, take off your blinders and let your situation go – fully.  Once you give up control of the situation, you will put your dependence on God and seek Him.  He will make all things work for good, if you just believe. 

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye. – Psalm 32:8

“Lord, if it’s you, “Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said.  Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came to Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.  “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” – Matthew 14:28-32

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds. - James 1:2

Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.  In all your ways know, recognize and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6

Proverbs 31 Woman

I listened to a sermon the other day where a Pastor encouraged/challenged women to be a Proverbs 31 woman.  It stood out to me.  It wasn't until the next day while I was enjoying a pedicure that I remembered "Proverbs 31".  I got on my phone, googled the verse and was completely floored by what I was reading.

A Wife of Character

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?  She is more precious than rubies.  Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. 

She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy.  She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothing.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.  When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.  She carefully watches everything in her household and she suffers nothing from laziness.

Her children stand and bless her.  Her husband praises her: "There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!"

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.  Reward her for all she has done.  Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.


I must have read this passage three times in a row.  I loved it.  I was inspired.

This scripture kept repeating itself over and over to me this weekend.  I loved it.  As I read it again last night, I got up and ran over to my husband. "Chris, Chris.....31!  31!" He was looking at me like I'm crazy.  "31!  I'm turning 31 and Proverbs 31.  This is my scripture.  It's meant for me.  It's my theme for this year.  This is what I'm going to strive for this year." He looked at me and said, "Oh, yeah.". He didn't get excited the way I wanted him too, but I had enough excitement for the both of us.  I knew this was meant for me. 

I have been such a work in progress, and I know the journey will be long, but isn't it inspiring?  I challenge you to take this scripture and hold it dear to your heart.  Print it out.  Read it when you are down.  Read it when you need encouragement.  Let's be a Proverbs 31 woman. 

On another note, this has been the best birthday to date.  Thank you Lord for all the love, friendship, fellowship and family who surrounded me this weekend. 31 feels great!

Give Thanks In Everything

It was super cold on Saturday and I was going to spend my whole day on a bleacher watching my son play soccer.  I had three layers on me, a pair of mittens covered my hands and I even took a blanket as an added measure to protect myself from the chilly wind.  Luckily right before the team went to play, the sun came out and I was relieved.  Warmth! As the kids played their last game, the sun begin to set, darkness crept in and the reliance of heat from the sun, along with the light was gone.  The day of soccer came to an end and we headed back to our car.     Alec was completely stoked – his team had just won three games in a row and he was proud of himself for the assist he had in the final game of the day which led to the winning goal.  To celebrate, my husband and I took the kids out for dinner.  The service was magnificent and the food was perfection.  Everything was just flowing so well.  In fact, the manager had even given Alec a coupon for 50% off a pizza and a free appetizer to celebrate his wins that day.  As we wrapped up, the phone call came in - our home security system had picked up that the sensor in the back door had went off. 

As we drove home, we reached the alley way and were about to pull into our garage when we noticed the back gate was wide open.  My heart sank and I begin to imagine the worst thing possible. Our house has been burglarized. I got mad, worried, sad and overwhelmed in a millisecond.  My husband got off, and so did Alec.    My husband went in the house, came back out and said, “It looks like all they took was the TV, but the back door is shattered – they threw a brick.”  At that moment I just started crying.  My gut knew that the enemy was trying to attack me and my family.  I was crying from being so angry but I didn’t want my children to see me react that way.  I stopped, put myself together and went inside the house to assess the damage.  Wow – there in my den laid thousands of pieces of glass on my floor, my couches, all over………  To make it worse, the footprints of the intruders were all over my floor and the emptiness of where our TV once sat was the proof that we were robbed. 

My  heart was racing and I didn’t know what to do.  I called my mom – she didn’t answer.  I called my dad – he didn’t answer either.  A few minutes later, my mom returned my call and I was telling her what happened.  My husband went next door and our neighbor came rushing over – he was going to run to Home Depot to get plywood and materials to help us so Chris could stay at home with me as we awaited the police.  Once the police arrived, I left to my room knowing I needed prayer.  I called my friend and second mom Irma T and she answered the phone all happy “Hellooooo Vickie”.  From there, I don’t know what happened, I couldn’t even talk, “Irma, they broke into my house.”  I was already crying and I don’t even know how she understood what I was saying.  The next thing I knew, without asking anything of her, she said, “We’ll be right there.”  I didn’t know it at the time, but as I was on the call, my kids came in and wrapped me in their hugs.  That was the last time I cried over what happened. 

 Our neighbor from across the street also came and helped with the door and clean up.  As I was sweeping  what seemed an endless amount of glass,  I was able to pause for a moment and see my husband, neighbor and friend putting up plywood and working together.  As I looked the other direction, I saw Irma going full throttle in cleaning mode.  I felt something in that moment that truly washed away the anger I had from what had occurred.  I had great people in my home replacing the evil that was left behind from our intruders.  Not only did I feel grateful, but I even found myself laughing at one point.  (Irma you always make me laugh.) 

 

A few hours later all the glass was picked up, the plywood was up keeping the cold wind out of our house and the footprints were cleaned away.  Before Tony and Irma left I asked them to pray and that is when the aha moment came in .  “Lord, I’m praying not only for Vickie and Chris but also for the people who did this.”

 
At that very moment I knew I had to forgive whoever did this so I could let the feelings of anger, panic and loss exit from my heart.  I started looking at the positive and derailed from the slump I was headed for.  I am truly thankful that my family is OK, because at the end of the day material items can be replaced.  What was meant for our harm, the Lord used for good.  I was able to see that good people can extinguish the corruption of others. I also learned that by forgiving those who tried to hurt my family, we were able to strengthen our bond and faith.

 

“When you thank Me for the many pleasures I provide, you affirm that I am God, from whom all blessings flow.  When adversity strikes and you thank Me anyway, your trust in My sovereignty is a showpiece in invisible realms.  Fill up the spare moments of your life with praise and thanksgiving.  This joyous discipline will help you live in the intimacy of My Presence.” – Jesus Calling, January 7, 2015

 

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. – 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Letting go

2013 was the year I read “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren.  I had just turned 29 years old and was desperate to know what my purpose in life was. Rick Warren, the author of the book, says finding your purpose must begin with God. He was so right.  

I talked briefly on how this book changed my life in the post titled “My Purpose Driven Life”.  As I mentioned in that blog post, reading the book isn’t what changed my life, it’s what I did and how I applied the teachings of the book to my life that ultimately altered my life. The book discussed the importance of attending church, becoming a member of that church, getting baptized, surrounding myself with fellow believers, serving, sharing the “good news” of Jesus Christ, realizing what my talents are and using those talents to pursue the purpose God set forth for me.  The book also talked about the importance of tithing. 

Finished Book – February 2013

Using Talents for the greater good – February 22, 2013 (GWE blog went live)

Found my new church home – March 2013

Started Serving – May 2013

Baptism – June 2013

Member – Early 2014

Tithing – April 2014

Surrounding myself with fellow believers – Blossomed the entire year of 2014

As you can see, I didn’t do everything immediately or in the same order as the book listed.  Some things took some time, but in the back of my head, I always knew what I needed to do. All I needed was either a push or a tug to lead me.  I can honestly say the only item on the list that was truly difficult was tithing. 

For those who do not know what tithing is, it is simply means voluntarily contributing a tenth of one’s income to support the church. For anyone who has been to church – pretty much any church, knows there is a point in the service where offering takes place.  People reach into their wallets, purses and pull out a check or cash and place it in the bucket as it goes by. 

So you must be asking yourself, why do we have to give?  Well Jesus instructed us to and if he says so, then that’s all the reason we should need.  Rick Warren has said, “Show me how you spend your time and how you spend your money, I’ll show you what’s important in your life.”  People can say God is important in our lives, but no matter what we say, if we were to produce our schedule and our checkbook stubs, the true answer would reveal itself. 

In Matthew 6:21 NLT, Jesus says, “Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.”  If you put all your money towards material items (clothing, shoes, cars, electronics), then that is what becomes important to you.  If you put God first, giving 10 percent back to the church no longer becomes a struggle, it becomes a privilege. 

When my husband and I first decided to start tithing, it was not easy at all.  When we calculated the number of our combined income and what 10 percent of that was, well, the anxiety began to creep in.  How are we going to afford this? 

Deuteronomy 14:23 explains that, “The purpose of tithing is to teach you to always put God first in your lives.”  Our world today screams, “Me, Me, Me! Mine, Mine, Mine!” No wonder everyone is so attached to their belongings.  But did you know, the day you perish, none of those belongings will go with you?  “After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave.” – 1 Timothy 6:7

I let materialism take over me for many years.  I wanted the best of the best and if I had the new purse, the expensive outfit and every new gadget, well that would show I had it all, right?  Wrong.  Yes, those items brought me enjoyment but it was only temporary.  Once the shine wore off, I was seeking more and more which led to lots of unnecessary spending.

As I began tithing, I learned to build up my faith and my trust in God.  I learned not to hold onto things, instead return the first part to God.  It broke the grip of materialism in my life. 

This brought forth a lot of changes for our family. We definitely cut back in different areas, but as the days and weeks passed, the struggle decreased and the enjoyment of giving increased.  The payoff has been enormous.  “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. “Test me in this, says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be enough to store it.” – Malachi 3:10

The tangible and intangible blessings that have been brought forth the last 8 months have been incomparable.  I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I’ve grown this year.  I can’t say my life is perfect because it never will be, but the peace that I have in my life is inconceivable.

Bottom line, your finances reflect what your priorities are.  What do your finances reveal about the priority of God in your life? 

God gave us a choice to give voluntarily out of our hearts.  If you choose not to do so, you are robbing yourself out of so much.  Don’t be so naïve.  Choose to bless your finances, not curse them.

One person gives freely, yet gains more; another withholds what is right, only to become poor. Proverbs 11:24  

The Misconception

Sometimes I wonder if people look at me and think, “She’s a Christian.  She must not have fun.”  Maybe it’s me just assuming things, but I think there has to be some truth to it, because at times I had those same misconceptions about others.  I’ve looked at people who go to church and have thought, wow, they can’t do this or that – that would suck.  When I first started going to church, I was hesitant to add people (from church) to my Facebook, scared that they would judge me or think I wasn’t Christian enough because of things on my FB page.  That was all in my head.  Slowly, I realized that people from church are not judgmental.  (They really aren’t.) 

I had a hard time with that for a while.  I didn’t want to post pictures of myself drinking or going out because I didn’t want to taint this image of me being a devoted Christian.  One thing I have held onto and what helped me release those feelings was a comment one of my Flavour sisters made during a group meeting.  “You can still go out.  You can still have a drink.  It’s just learning to do it in moderation.” 

Just because you are a Christian, does not mean your life is over.  In fact, for me, it meant my life had just begun.  Going to church and living a life in a different light doesn’t mean you stop laughing or having fun.  To tell you the truth, I honestly laugh more now than ever before.  Every Sunday I have so much fun at church.  My pastor is hysterical and my friends at church are the same way.  Unfortunately, I think there are many people who do not want to let God into their lives because they fear He will make them give up anything that is fun.  Their perception of being a Christian is the same as saying the party is over, that to be an obedient follower equals a miserable life.  NOT AT ALL!

Yes, I’ve given up some things, but it was things I needed to give up – Pride, Selfishness, Anger, Anxiety, etc.  While those feelings are still active in my life I have a better understanding of how to look to God to help me become a better person.  When you give your life to God, everything changes for the better. 

There is definitely more joy, more love and support in my life.  What use to really matter doesn’t matter anymore because God places wisdom in our hearts to know the difference between what is needed and what is unnecessary.  As you see the tangible and intangible blessings roll in you don’t really care to go back to where you were at because your life begins to make more sense.  The flowers smell greater, the colors are magnified, the excitement sparks back up – it’s like being in love. 

The truth is, God “richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment” (1 Timothy 6:17b NIV).

Iron Sharpens Iron

As this year comes to an end, I wanted to analyze the year and figure out, in my opinion, the best thing this year gave me.  Was it something I learned?  Something I gained?  An area I grew in?  As I began to reflect, one thing immediately jumped out at me – THEY!  The right “THEY” as my pastor says. 

I have friends – some old and some new.  Some I have known for years and some only for months.  Some friends I see frequently, while others I only see occasionally.  I value all of my friendships, but what I found this year is something completely different.  To quote my pastor once again, “It’s on a whole nutha level.” 

My life has changed.  I don’t necessarily hang out with all the friends I use to hang out with.  No particular reason other than the fact that as individuals, we all start growing apart.  Our lives get moved in different directions.  We get married, have kids and our time with friends gets cut back.  Yes, you can still be friends and celebrate each other on birthdays, etc, but if you are not spending time with each other on a consistent basis, do you really know what each other is going through?

I’ll admit, I was never the type of person to spill out my problems out so quickly, even with close friends.  Every so often, there were times where I felt out of place with friends who I had known for years.  When I got married and when I was pregnant, I honestly felt there was no one I could relate to.  None of my friends were married at the time and none of them had children.  I was also now a step mother which brought forth challenges for me.  I looked around and no one around me seemed to be in my shoes so how could they understand? I went many years dealing with different things and never opened up much to anyone – it was probably due to different reasons - embarrassment, shame, pride, insecurity, etc.  Many times all we see is the exterior and we look at people and we think they have it all figured out and everything seems to be working in their favor.  I’ve learned it is never as it seems.  Everyone is facing something at any given moment.  There’s more to everyone than the happy pictures we post on Facebook.

I wrote a blog a few months back titled, “When you know better, you do better."  I opened up to the fact that the period in which I lost my brother,  I felt that none of my friends really stepped in to be there for me.  It made me feel bad and if I talk about it long enough – even to this day – I will get teary eyed and even a bit angry.    However, during this time, the situation really made me take a look at myself.  Something inside of me said, “You are looking at everyone else, but look at yourself.  Were you always there for your friends in their time of need?”  Talk about a wakeup call.  I know I wasn’t.  Instead of focusing on everyone else, I started focusing on myself and the type of friend I was. 

I use to always throw myself these pity parties on how no one understood or could completely relate to me, yada, yada, yada.  What God did next in my life is amazing.  I was offered to become a group lead at my church’s womens group, Flavour Sisterhood.  Once I got over the nervousness, I agreed.  They placed me in a group for Moms with Teens.  I remember thinking I was going to be stuck with a bunch of older ladies – God, what are you doing?  I wanted to relate to people, not feel more distant from them.  The first meeting showed me that my perception of what women would be in my group was completely wrong.  In fact, I became very close to two of those women.  They were in my age group and happened to have additional children who were about my daughter’s age.  I even featured one of those women here on my blog, Priscilla Gonzalez.

While serving at church a door was opened bringing forth an array of people from all walks of life.  Older, younger, white, black, brown, parents, married couples, singles and everything in between.  I started noticing that these people were different.  They seemed to be so positive and uplifting at all times.  I was able to learn many things from just hearing their story and becoming so motivated by their strength and unshakable faith. Some of the people I met have been through hell and back, but you would never know it.   As I got to know these people and as my husband and children became friends with them as well, it really altered my life – our lives.  A vital reason for the closeness came through a group that some friends of ours  created called, “Spouse Strong” - here we were able to connect and build friendships with other couples.  Not only that, we were able to focus on our marriage and have a safe haven where we could open up and pray with others to strengthen the commitment we have made with our spouses.  It has been completely life changing and has been a crucial piece in the recommitment my husband and I have made towards our marriage.

An abundance of friendships have been made this year, some of them have been new friends and others have been old friendships that have blossomed or have been restored.  One of the greatest things that I experienced this year was the destruction of my feelings of solitary.  It was just a few weeks ago I was going through a trying time at work.  Instead of dealing with the situation alone I learned to reach out to others for help, guidance, advice and prayer.  I sent a text message out and I kid you not, back to back responses of prayer and uplifting messages were sent my way.  It was so overwhelming for me.  I didn’t know how to react.  I was touched from the love and support and I felt great.  I have a support system!  Thank you Jesus!  I finally get what my church preaches about getting to know the right people – The Right They! 

I learned to let my walls down and trust people with the most vulnerable side of me.  I never thought that would happen.  As a society and especially as women, I sometimes feel we get use to the idea that there is no such thing as a true friend. Every time you turn around you see another woman backstabbed from her once “friend”.  You see people who are friends but secretly jealous or envious of one another who are not able to lift each other up or support each other at their fullest potential.  I know I’m not alone when I say even though we are surrounded by people, we can at times feel alone.  I know because I’ve witnessed other people confess to the same feelings I had.  I think when you find the right “THEY” you learn that isn’t the case.  You are willing and ready to share your pain, your weakness and know that someone will not ridicule you or turn around and gossip about you.  It is the complete opposite.  Instead, they will pray for you and help you get back up.  So where can you find the right “They”?  Simple – at church.  Commit and surround yourself with other believers. 

A few weeks ago when I was thinking of writing on the topic of friendships, I sat across from my husband at Pei Wei reliving the memories of how I felt when my brother passed and the emptiness I felt when it came to the people who were there for me.  My eyes began to fill with tears and I said to him, “I know that if I was going to Fellowship Church when my brother passed things would have been completely different.  These people I’ve met, they would have been there at the hospital, at the viewing, at the funeral.  They would have hugged me, cried with me and prayed for me.”  At that point I knew the difference and I was so thankful.  The next time I’m faced with a hardship they will be there for me.  The even better thing is when I have something to celebrate, they will be praising Jesus right next to me.  That’s what life is about - having people to lift you up when you are down and celebrate you when you receive those special blessings from our Lord and Savior.  

P.S. For those friends of mine who are reading this I want to keep extending the invite to Fellowship Church.  The reason why I’m always asking, “When are you going to church?” isn’t to make you feel one way or another, it’s to get you plugged in.  I want you to feel what I feel.  I want your life to be changed the way mine has.  I love you so much that I want you to join me.  I want our friendship to flourish, I want our kids to grow up with each other and blossom into the next generation leaders.  I want you to reach out to me when you are going through difficulties and I want to do the same with you.  Friendship is more than just getting together to celebrate on birthdays.  Please join me this coming Sunday at Fellowship Church. I promise you won’t regret it. 

The Empty Void

I was 21 years old and I had just gone through the worst break up of my life.  I was so broken.  I use to think of myself as this fierce girl who could take on anything.  I had two relationships in high school where the guy treated me like a princess.  I took advantage of it of course and took those relationships for granted.  You know the saying what goes around comes around? Well, that was where I was at. My mom had always told me to be strong, independent and to never rely on a man for anything.  I modeled that behavior until I was suddenly thrown into a pit where all sense of direction and advice flew past me.  How did I get here?  I wondered time and time again always thinking I could control the issue, change him and live happily ever after.  If I think back to that relationship, I can’t even tell you what I loved about him.  I think I was obsessed with the challenge of changing him.  I hated the rejection.  I wasn’t use to it.   I wanted him to want me, to love me, to adore me just like my prior boyfriends had.  I wanted him to pick me over his friends, over drinking, over the night life, but he didn’t.  Eventually he finally gained the strength and the courage to leave me for good.  I must have called him a million times trying to get him to change his mind, resulting to the low point of almost begging which was such a low moment for me.  I had once worn this armor of titanium and now I was the complete opposite – putty in his hands.  He didn’t take me back, he ignored me, rejected me and it was so hard for me to get over him.  I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

I use to judge girls like me in that moment and think, “She is so stupid. He is clearly cheating on her, why would she take him back?  Why would she want to be with someone who does this to her?”  All the stones I threw were now redirected at me and it added to the distress.  Knowing that people were talking about me and judging me on top of my broken heart was shattering to my soul.  I must say during this time I was going to church religiously. I had hit rock bottom and turned to God for support.  The quick fix that I was looking for wasn’t happening.  God, where are you?

To block my mind from thinking about my ex boyfriend I turned to the night life and drinking.  In all honesty, it started out fun at first and it did the job of making me forget about my heart break in those few hours.  Eventually, without realizing it, I ended up being habituated to the night life, looking forward to the weekend and living mainly for that and only that.  I was having so much fun, forgetting about my pain that I was under the impression that I was really living my life.  While all this “fun” filled the void in my heart, it was only temporary.  A year later I found myself bored, searching for something more.  This life I was living was the same week in and week out. I wasn’t doing anything with my life really.  While I was no longer heartbroken, my heart was still not mended.  I was carrying so much baggage – resentment, hurt, pain, rejection and I didn’t even realize it.  You may also have guessed correctly, that my attendance at church had now become nonexistent.  I thought I was the problem solver and I left God out of my life.  I had made the biggest mistake.

I eventually met my now husband and my life began to pivot.  Unfortunately, all the hurt from my prior relationship carried over and the fear of rejection became so visible in my new relationship.  As I was able to see where my husband’s heart was I was slowly letting some of those feelings subside.  It wasn’t until the void in my heart began to resurface that my search for something bigger than myself returned.  Two years into our marriage we were finally making the effort to go to church and get our children involved.  We didn’t make it a priority, but we made the effort. Once we made God our priority, our lives began changing little by little.  We saw the change and we were hungry for more.  

I now stand here, four years later with the armor of the Lord: A belt of truth that allows me to see clearly, making choices according to God’s plan and purpose for my life. A breastplate of righteousness that protects my heart, guarding my emotions and taking in that which is pure. Spiritual boots which allow me to walk in peace. A shield of faith which is the trust that I hold that God will be my victor in any and every situation. A helmet of salvation that guards my mind and finally the sword of the spirit – applying God’s word to my circumstance.  

These past four years have been an upward journey.  Each step of the way, I have been leaving all the hurt of the past that I was holding onto.  Am I living a pain free life?  Not exactly, but I am able to manage my life in the areas of pain in such a healthier way.  Will things still bring me down?  Oh certainly – it’s a  constant struggle, but I have learned that while I am weak, God’s power is made strong.  There is nothing that I will face in this life that God won’t use for the greater good. 

There’s something special about living this life in the light of the Lord - I know I walk differently, I speak differently, I live differently.  There is no going back.  My heart no longer holds a void, it is filled with an everlasting love – the perfect love that we can only receive from our heavenly Father.  Don’t waste another minute trying to fix things on your own.  There’s a whole other world out there waiting for you.  He’s knocking at your door.  Open the door and let him in.  Your life will never be the same.