When you know better, you do better.

“Doing better” started  a couple of years ago for me, but catapulted this year in January when my brother went to be with the Lord.  Everything that I have done or will continue to do in my life as of Jan 17, is because of him and for him in so many ways. During that time, I had this peace and this resilient strength to persevere.  I was able to come back to work and focus, I was able to continue living without becoming depressed and I was able to think of him and not go hysterical at the thought of the reality that he was no longer living on Earth.   The events leading up to my brother’s death weren't always easy and to be completely frank there were several nights I didn't sleep, there were times I was at work and I couldn't focus.  I would be listening to a song and just think of him and immediately fill up with tears.  As a family we were there for each other and at the time, I didn't feel like I “needed” anyone else.  One thing I learned, which I think is going to be a lifelong lesson for me was that not everyone that you think is your friend will be there for you when things like this happen.  After the dust had settled, I looked back and I got to examine the events and see who contacted me, who prayed for me, who called, who showed up……..sadly, it wasn’t very many.  Nowadays, we have Facebook and while a comment here and there is appreciated, a direct call or even text message for that matter is better.  A hug beats that and physically showing up is the best thing a person can get.  Several people showed up to my brother’s viewing and funeral – people for the most part that I honestly didn’t expect to show up.  The support my mom received from family, distant family, old bosses, old friends was simply magical.  I was able to see the importance of being a friend and the effect it had on my mother and her journey to healing. And while I got to see the importance -  I, on the other hand, was able to witness the emptiness of the opposite.

I had one friend attend my brother’s viewing and I had one friend send a card.  I had a coworker and my boss show up – they drove over 45 minutes out of their way just to personally give me a hug and pay their respects.  Sometimes it upsets me when I think about  that– even now, but the truth is, this helped me realize a lot.  I was upset for a while.  I was hurt mostly, but now, I’m thankful.  This feeling I had made me look at myself and ask myself “What kind of friend am I?”  Did I show up at events like this?  Did I go out of my way to send a card?  Did I bother calling?  Was I genuinely a good friend and person?  Some of the questions I asked myself resulted in a No, while others resulted in a Yes, but what I realized was that now I knew better.  In the following months, I had a close friend lose someone very close.  Before Jan 17, I did not know what it was like to lose someone, but now I did.  I knew the pain and I knew the importance of reaching out, sending flowers and contacting that person personally.  I think to myself, would I have done that if my brother hadn't passed?  I don’t know.  I really hope I would have.  And so I learned,  when you know better, you do better.  Simple as that.  I have friends that never called me, or even said anything to me to this day, but I try and put myself in their shoes.  That was me before Jan 17. I would send a comment of condolence, but never make the extra step to do something to truly show my support.  I try not to let it upset me or make me think that they don’t care.  They don’t know better and I can’t be mad at them for that. 

And so things happen every day where we get upset because someone doesn’t celebrate us.  They don’t understand, or whatever it is that we tell ourselves.  For anyone that reads this that thinks at one point I didn’t care or I wasn’t there, I’m sorry.  I didn’t know better.  Now, I do.  I’m a different person now.  I try to live my life the best I can and honestly I try to be a good person every day.