Return of Saturn

Back when Compact Discs (CDs) ruled the world, I had those organizers that kept all my CDs in alphabetical order by artist (because yes, I have OCD). I loved music – all kinds. I had brothers who introduced me to Rock en Español at a young age and kept me informed on the music they grew up with. They even had me listen to heavy metal/alternative because my youngest brother Jesse was in a band. My parents played Tejano all day every day and my friends and I listened to everything on 106.1 Kiss FM (which was a combination of pop/alternative/R&B, pretty much anything that was hip and trendy). In the year 2000, No Doubt, came out with one of my favorite albums of all time, "Return of Saturn". I remember when I purchased a new CD, my routine was to go in my room, play it in my stereo, sit down with the lyrics and have a listening party of one. I dissected the album and paid attention to every word. This album was perfection. It was relatable and intense. The first single off the album was Ex-Girlfriend. I can take myself back to being at home, watching MTV debut the video. Gwen had her pink hair and lyrics like, "I thought I always knew I'd be your ex-girlfriend" captured my interest. What does that mean? Boyfriends later, I knew exactly what that meant. In the interim of relating to that specific song, I grew fond of the album. Fast forward a couple of years, the album still made its way to my stereo and I found that I was able to connect to different songs at different points in my life. I always thought, if I were to pick one album that truly resonates with my life and the emotions that I have felt over love, this would be the album. Have you ever had an album you could relate to in that aspect?

I can play this record and still remember moments in my life where I sang so loud and had no connection with the words, to crying as the words touched my heart and captured the pain that I could not understand. Today I want to analyze the entire album and let you in on the moments in my life that stand out when I listen to these songs.

1. Ex-Girlfriend - "I kinda always knew I'd be your ex-girlfriend, why did you have to go pick me when you knew we were different…completely." This takes me back to the first time I felt "played". I met this guy that I knew was all wrong for me. Somehow I was "wooed" and I became his girlfriend. He was the type of guy you stay away from. He was the type of guy that is used to having "all the girls". I found myself up for the challenge, vowing I would be the one to change him. But ladies, we all know that never works, right? Just like the lyrics say, "I kinda always knew I'd be your ex-girlfriend", it was a disaster waiting to happen. I found myself wanting to prove myself wrong, but as Dr. Phil says in almost every episode, "You can predict future behavior of a person by past behavior." Sometimes it's a lost cause. This song is not quite the Alanis Morsette "You oughta know" anthem, (which honestly would be a better song to define that relationship), but all in all, this song is a good release of anger and frustration with a relationship that was doomed from the start. I was another ex-girlfriend on his list, but I should have thought of that before we kissed.
2. Simple Kind of Life- "For a long time, I was in love, not only in love, I was obsessed. It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells." When you end a relationship with someone you truly love, or someone who you think you love, you have this obsession over what could have been. It's a feeling you can't shake off. Wondering leaves you nowhere. At the end of the day, I truly believe if it's meant to be, it will be. Unfortunately, when you are in love, it's hard to shake the feeling that there will be a rainbow after the storm. You try to analyze the relationship questioning all the details. The fights, the arguments, the pettiness, it starts to sink in. All along all you wanted is someone to love….someone to have a family with and grow old with, but the dream has been burst. After the anger dwindles, the pain of the loneliness enters and you are left with a broken heart because all you wanted was the simple things…..a simple kind of life.
3. Bathwater – "Wanted and adored by attractive women, bountiful selection at your discretion. I know I'm diving into my own destruction. So why do we choose the boys that are naughty? I don't fit in, so why do you want me? And I know I can't tame you…but I keep trying." I wrote a blog when I turned 30 about a time in my life when I lost all sense of self confidence. It was during this time I felt I was competing with every girl in sight (while dating my ex-boyfriend). When you date a person that is interested in every girl that he sees, the upkeep is impossible. I wasn't strong enough to begin with, so this situation caused the decay of confidence in myself as a woman, confidence in my appearance and in myself as a whole. I lost myself in this relationship. I was trying to change this person, but it was me that was changing. I was morphed into someone I did not like. No matter what this person did to hurt me, I STILL loved him (or so I thought), I later realized I was obsessed with the challenge of it all, but at that moment I believed I loved him and I risked myself in the process. Pathetic? Very. I was weak, gullible, stupid and a complete door mat (plus all those other words you call girls who stay in lame relationships). I was willing to bathe his bathwater – his dirty, smelly bathwater. I couldn't help it. I was willing to accept all the bad to enjoy a sliver of happiness.
4. Six Feet Under – "Today is my birthday and I get one every year and someday I do believe I will be buried six feet underground. " I loved playing this song on my birthday, mostly for the reference of it saying "today is my birthday". What better day to play this song than your actual birthday? At the time, saying I'll be buried six feet underground one day was far from applying to me. I was young and carefree and death didn't phase me. This song reminds me of being young, carefree and enjoying my birthday.
5. Magic's In the Makeup – "My makeup is all off. Who am I? The magic's in the makeup. Who am I?" When I was 13 years and entering 8^th grade I went through a huge physical transition. I ditched my glasses for contacts (colored actually, they were hazel, cause that was the thing at the time), my wardrobe was updated to the latest and greatest, I learned how to comb my hair and all that brought forth confidence in myself. I entered 8^th grade looking a lot different from my previous 7^th grade year. The attention I received was great at first. People that had never noticed or talked to me the year before were now wanting to be my friend. Boys noticed the change as well and I had their attention now. I learned pretty gets you further than not pretty. I was walking different, smiling more - I was confident. The makeup, the clothes, it was all part of the package of looking and feeling pretty. It's such a double edged sword though. Just as I was enjoying this new chapter in my life, I learned quickly that not everyone is going to like you for looking pretty. There are people out there that will dislike you for this and I was so torn between the good and the bad. I wanted to feel pretty for the longest, but now here I was standing in the hallway with girls wanting to fight me. If WTF would have been the acronym in the late 90s that's what I would have written all over my diary. Seriously, WTF? Those years were so confusing. I was still the same person once the makeup was off. I was a 13 year old learning about the world, looking for acceptance. The clothes, the makeup, it helped me feel confident, but those years were a challenge. I loved what it did for me, but I also hated it at the same time.
6. Artificial Sweetener – "I'm full of artificial sweetener. My heart's been deceitful. It's all artificial sweetener. I'm faking I love you's. You're forcing me to." This song takes me back to my freshman year in HS. I was in a relationship. I wanted so much to be in love and experience a high school sweetheart – just like the movies. I found myself forcing myself to feel a certain way, when deep down I was torn. I wanted to love a person so badly who was the ideal candidate, but because it wasn't genuine, my heart wasn't in it. The more that I think of it, this lasted my entire high school crusade. I don't know why I was in love with the idea of love, but I couldn't commit and give away my heart. I was hot and cold. One day completely in love and the next day finding myself so out of love. I was selfish and showing the worst in me. My track report wasn't great. It wasn't until I met boyfriend described in song #1 that made me realize that playing with people's heart was brutal. I got my payback and then some. Although that relationship caused me so much depression, it made me realize the value of not only my heart, but other's and it wasn't something you could take lightly.
7. Marry Me – "Who will be the one to marry me?" I blame all those Disney movies for the false representation of what relationships and happily ever after's consisted of. I thought you fall in love and you eventually marry that person. I longed for a high school sweetheart, but that was stomped on. I couldn't find my prince and I was becoming impatient. Ever since I was little, the dream of marriage and children was always on my list before I even dreamed of a career. I wanted true love. My inability to find what I was looking for was a struggle for me. The curiosity of who that man was always in the back of my head. After failed relationships passed, I found myself single for a good while. A time I enjoyed. It allowed me to find myself again. But even though that time was fun, I longed for the companionship of a boyfriend. I wanted someone to share my life with. I was 23 and started thinking, I don't think it's going to happen for me. This song reminds me of that period of time – the desire of wanting to find true love, get married and the interest to know who he would be.
8. New – "Don't let it go away. This feeling has got to stay. I can't believe I've had this chance now. Don't let it go away." Just as I was beginning to doubt that I would ever get married. I met this guy. He was new. I gravitated to him. I loved learning about him. I loved that he was different from the others. As Gwen states in the song, like a fresh battery, I was energized by him. I was giddy. I was nervous. I was excited. He gave me butterflies. He gave me hope that there was actually someone out there for me that had all the qualities I was looking for, plus he was extremely cute. This song reminds me of that time. That new phase, when everything is exciting.
9. Too Late – "I'm nervously cradling our young love, without known limits. Like a butterfly cupped in my hands, I peek in to see beauty trapped." I found myself in love and afraid of getting hurt. I wanted to protect what I had without the tainting of rumors, lies, arguments or just plain life. Shortly after months of dating and entering "life" and those petty arguments, I found myself pregnant and I knew it was too late to give up on this relationship. We had opened the floodgates of hardships.
10. Comforting Lie – "Oh, so up and down, so back and forth. So insecure. I'm on the verge of tears again." I thought I was fixed once the bad relationship was a couple years behind me, BUT entering a relationship after all that time, allowed me to confirm I was not OK and I had carried the hurt all along. The band aid was slowly coming undone and I found myself back at square one. I hated this. Why was I feeling this way again? I wanted it all to go away. I swear I was normal, but pregnancy turned me into a depressed state of mind. Was I going to be a single mom? Signs pointed yes and that angered me. I felt strong, but I also felt weak. It was a tug of war.
11. Suspension Without Suspense – "Odds stacked against us, we get so far and then it just starts rewinding." Have you ever been in a relationship where you were doomed before it even started? You know this person is all wrong for you, or you know that it just isn't going to work, but you give it a shot anyway, because you are pulled to this person for a reason. No matter how hard you try, instead of moving forward, you break up, get back together and just like shampoo instructions you rinse and repeat. You love this person, but you hate them too. And aside from everything that continues to pull you apart you don't want to let go.
12. Staring Problem – "Such a cute girl, I'm so jealous. I wish I looked exactly like her. What's it like to have that body? I'm gawking while I wonder." Thank you Gwen for affirming I'm not alone. We're women and we notice other women, because this world is so obsessed with looks and beauty. I think we've all had those moments where we look at ourselves and compare ourselves to others and find ourselves envying someone else whether it's because of their beautiful hair, their "perfect body" or their career along with everything else we don't have. It's not fair and we tell ourselves over and over again. What we don't realize is while we are busy staring at someone else, we have other women staring at us with the same feelings of envy. It's a vicious cycle.
13. Home Now – "So what you givin' up for me? And what shall I give up for you?" So back when I was pregnant with that guy who made me feel giddy inside, I found myself becoming the insecure girl from relationship from song #1. We fought and argued and we were about to go in a downward spiral. We took a break and lyrics like "And to make it real, I need to have you here, I need to have you, I need to hold you" were words that spoke truth. I wanted this relationship to work, so I was willing to see where I could make improvements, but the weak side of me also had grown a piece of strength that was asking for something in return. What are you givin' up for me? It was a clash of weakness and strength. I was going to try. Our break was over and we needed to make it real. We needed to be together again. We did. In 2008, Mr. Mireles ended up being my answer to song #7.
14. Dark Blue – "And you're so sad, it's too bad, I wish you could have had what I had." This song has been the least played song on this album song for me. I did have one friendship where this song would fit, but I never played it in remembrance of someone. I think the song is great, but I hate that the album ends with this song. I think the playlist for me ends at #13.