My Brother

After watching Master Class with Stevie Nicks and hearing her reason for writing I knew I had to write about my brother, about his departure, about our memories, about his sickness and about everything I learned and everything he told me during his last few months here on earth.

Gilbert John Cabrera

My brother was 19 years older than me, and although there was a large age difference, we had an AWESOME brother/sister relationship.  He use to pick me and my sister up from school, he would watch us in the summer and let us eat junk food and got us hooked into wrestling, soap operas, South Park and music.  My brother was a cool brother.  He would buy us stuff all the time, make fun of us, spoil us and make us laugh ALL the time.  He was a jokester, fun and just all around great brother. 

When my brother was born, he had a hole in the heart, a type of simple congenital heart defect.  My mom said he was blue in the face and he wasn't breathing. He had to have heart surgery at such a young age, but he made it through.  When my brother was about 5 or 6 years old, he had a seizure at school and  he ended up having to have surgery to remove a tumor in his head.  Doctors at the time told my mom that he would not live past the age of 15 because of his health issues.  My brother eventually ended up living more than twice of what the doctors had predicted.

My brother didn't finish high school and got involved with drinking and drugs while he was a teenager.  He went through so many health issues, having his parents split up (My brother and I have different dads - his dad and my mom separated and my mom later remarried and had me and my sister Angie.)  and being picked on because he was so skinny.  My brother later turned Christian and did many steps in changing his life around.  While becoming a Christian doesn't mean that your are perfect, he did his best to improve himself.  I remember my brother talking to me about God, Jesus and the bible.  He would have us listen to Christian music and introduced us to a band called Between Thieves, who he later took us to see in concert in Deep Ellum. 

When I got older, I didn't hang out with my brother as much because he got married and had a family of his own.  We would see each other during holidays, talk here and there, but nothing like before.  I remember he would always tell me that Mia reminded him of me when I was little.  He would come around more often when him and his wife weren't on "good terms".  I enjoyed having him around more because he was such the life of the party. 

Last year around this time, my brother went to the hospital.  It was his heart and it was failing.  He ended up having surgery to get a stent put it.  After the surgery when we saw him, he had a big smile on his face and gave us a thumbs up.   He stayed in the hospital for a while and we went to visit and I remember taking him a gift basket full of healthy stuff and I had put it in one of those woven Easter baskets.  My brother was released and was able to spend Easter with us at my house.  My brother and his wife had separated prior to his emergency visit to the hospital.  During the time at the hospital, he and his wife had agreed to fix their issues.  Well, that didn't last very long.  My brother ended up going back to the hospital - I forget what month it was.  This time it was serious.  He was in ICU because he was unable to breathe on his own.  We could only go in two at a time.  I remember him being cranky and upset that day.  He was at Doctor's Hospital and he wanted to be transferred to Parkland. 

He didn't get transferred and he ended up staying at the hospital for weeks.  He was sedated for a long time, I can't even remember now how long it was.  He had a breathing tube and had to be sedated so he wouldn't be in pain.  We were hoping and praying that he would be able to breathe on his own.  After being sedated for awhile, they eased on how strong the medicine was.  He still couldn't open his eyes and he had the breathing tube, but he was able to acknowledge by squeezing our hands that he could hear us.  We were all crying with joy.  That night we talked to him alot and told him we were all praying.  About an hour later, my mom got a phone call that he had pulled the breathing tube out of his mouth.  What was really strange and unexplainable is that he had his arms restrained.  We still don't know to this day how he was able to do that.

There was no need to put the tube back - my brother was breathing on his own, well somewhat at least.  The next day when we went to visit, he had a breathing mask on that covered his nose and mouth, it was really loud and when he tried talking it was very hard to understand him.  It was comforting to hear him speak and to see him smile and see pure joy in his eyes.  At that time he told me that I needed to take care of my mom and dad and to cherish them, he told me that he didn't have to worry about me because he loved Chris and knew I was in good hands with him.   He was talking to all of us as if he would never speak to us again.  I am thankful now for the talks he had with us because the days leading up to his death he was unable to talk.  He also told me that he had several dreams about the world ending.  He told me not to have any more kids and if I felt the need to have more to adopt.  He told me so many things about how I should treat others and especially about keeping God in my life. 

His recovery at the time was so dramatically quick and amazing.  I believe in the power of prayer and thanks to God, he answered them and gave my brother more time on earth with us.  He was released around September and by December, Christmas to be exact, he looked real bad.  He hardly spoke, or even joked that day.  He just looked bad.  My brother ended up back at Parkland in January, he was in ICU and it was basically the same thing all over again.  My brother did not fix his eating habits, he didn't lose weight, which caused him to get diabetes.  He had so much weight pressing on his lungs that caused his heart to work double and his heart was just not strong enough.

Seeing my brother in the hospital that time was really rough.  He had the breathing tube, he was awake, he couldn't talk, I could see pain in his eyes and all I could do was speak God's words to him and let him know not to give up.  He would look at me with tears in his eyes, unable to speak anything to me.  I can't tell you how painful that was.  That was on a Sunday.  I had told my sister that we had to make an effort to see him and the only time was during our lunch time.  We had decided we would go Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  Since he was at Parkland this time around, it was harder to make the evening time visitation time period.  We went Monday and he was fine, still with the breathing tube, unable to talk but he looked better.  When we went back on Wednesday, he was not in a good mood.  You could tell he was upset. We would give him a paper and pen to try and write to us, but he would write things that didn't make sense, he would misspell everything and write like a kindergartner.  It was really scary and sad.  He would pull me close and attempt to try and talk, but no noise would come out.  The tube was blocking his vocal code.  I would tell him, "Gilbert, I can't hear anything.  Please don't try to talk, you are only irritating your throat."  He would get frustrated and at one point, with his arms restrained, did a motion with his hands as in saying bye, leave.  I remember looking at him and saying, "Gilbert, don't be upset.  This is God's will and we just have to accept it.  You can't be mean.  You have to work hard in trying to get better.  I may be your little sister, but you have to listen to me."  He looked at me and I could tell I had gotten through to him.  I told him I loved him and he nodded his head yes.  I asked him, "You love me, right?" and he nodded yes and tried to smile.  He turned to my sister, grabbed her hand and reached over to kiss it and blinked his eyes as in saying, "I'm sorry".  I told him to work on getting better and we would be back on Friday.  That was the last time I saw him alert.

It was Thursday, January 17th and I was on my way home from work and I had been calling my mom everyday just to check up on her and make sure she was doing okay because she had been emotional with my brother being back in ICU.  While I was on the phone with her, she got a call from my older sister Sylvia saying that my brother Gilbert had managed to yank the breathing tube off again.  We all said we were going to head to the hospital and see what awaiting us.  I was shaking the entire time and I just had this feeling in my stomach that this was going to be it.  My brother Jesse was the first at the hospital and he called us and told us he was gasping for breath.  When we got there, I ran to his side, grabbed his hand, but there was no life to him.  His eyes were closed and he had a breathing mask that had very low dosage of oxygen and they had given him morphine to help let the process be as comfortable for him as possible.

His nurse told us when she came in the room to see that he had yanked the tube out, she asked him, "Mr. Cabrera are you happy you took it out?"  He replied with yes.  He was done fighting.  He was ready to go home to the Lord. 

We all were in his room watching each breath, just waiting.  I knew when it was coming because each breath got slower and it took longer for the next one to come.  I held his hand the entire time and my other brother was on the other side.  And then it happened.  His stomach got full of air and then he exhaled and that was it.  He was gone.

The nurse came in to confirm that there was no heartbeat and then we just stood there, said a prayer and comforted each other.  I had never experienced seeing someone pass, so it was so weird - I guess that's the only word I can think of.  I felt like I was there, but not there.  As if I were in a dream.  I was very sad, but at the same time I was also very happy that my brother was no longer suffering.  During this time I was reading Everyday a Friday by Joel Osteen, the journal series and it really helped me know that this was God's timing.(See final words below for the words that helped me through this time)  We can't question God when he decides to take our loved ones.  What I appreciate is that he gave him more life than what doctors predicted.  He was seriously a miracle child.  He was here to serve a purpose and now, I had to take his departure and know that I have to do something with it.  I'm so proud of my family and proud of myself for being able to stay strong through this difficulty.  With God's help we can overcome anything.

God gave me the strength to get through burying my brother.  What is very comforting is knowing that I WILL see him again.  I never say "my brother died" - he didn't die.  He still lives.  He is more alive than ever.  I feel him with me ALL the time.  I talk to him in the mornings and even sometimes on my drive home.  I know he is always with me.  I don't know how to describe the feeling.  It's not an eerie ghost thing, it is an actual feeling.

My brother will always be an important part of my life.  I love him, I miss him, but I will see him soon.

I never want to forget our memories and I never want to forget how I felt when this happened.  Like I said before, he is the reason I'm taking leaps instead of steps. 
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Remember Romans 8:28, "All things work together for those who love God."  The key word is together.  A difficulty on it's own may not make sense, but when it all comes together one day, it will make sense. 

Nothing in life is wasted.  You've heard the saying, "bad things happen to good people."  That is true.  But it's also true that good people overcome bad things and come out better than before. God will turn your test into a testimony.  God would not have allowed the difficulty if he didn't have a divine purpose for it.  - Joel Osteen, Everyday a Friday

My Eating Clean Journey

It was right after I had Mia, about 5 years ago, that I first starting changing my eating habits.   Before I got pregnant, my eating habits were horrible.  I would go out a lot, drink a lot of beer/alcohol, eat something greasy late at night, eat a bunch of fast food and hardly ever make a home cooked meal.   While I was pregnant, my eating habits changed a bit -  but not drastically.  The first six months were hard because I had morning, noon and night sickness.  I could barely hold down any food, no matter what it was.  Instead of gaining weight, I lost weight. In my first trimester, I had to go to the emergency room, it turned out I had a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) which is very common during pregnancy.  I avoided any and all caffeine.  During my third trimester, I was finally able to eat – and boy did I eat.  I thought I would lose the weight quickly since I had been stick thin my entire life, but I was wrong.  That’s when things changed for me.  It started in small steps, although I have to admit there were so many times I would be dedicated and then fall of track.  It was hard trying to balance out this new life of mine and trying to make time for myself.  I just didn’t have the time anymore.

After I had Mia, I went back to work and slowly started drinking coffee in the morning and enjoying a soda every now and then.  After experiencing another UTI, I said “This is it. This is annoying and I DON’T want to deal with this anymore.”  So I stopped drinking caffeinated drinks cold turkey.  It was a process, but to this day I do not crave sodas.  And although I drink coffee, I always get decaf.  So there went caffeinated drinks – now my food intake had to change. Since I had a family of four now, I had to start making dinner every night.  It was way too expensive to eat out every night.  For the most part, I would try to make something easy and quick, but I later realized quick and easy usually means you’re eating something that’s not good for you.  In the summer of 2009, I started getting these really bad chest pains late at night.  It got so bad one night that I had Chris take me to the hospital.  It turned out I had gallstones.  Gallstones were a blessing in disguise (just like the UTIs) because it helped me change my eating habits. I avoided high fatty foods, fast food, and anything greasy.  Even though I changed my eating habits so I wouldn’t have any more of these attacks, I ended up having to get my gallbladder removed.  I continued to avoid those foods even after the surgery. I just didn’t want to risk any other health issues.

I have to also acknowledge that once Mia was able to start drinking milk and eating table food, I became so picky as to what I gave her.  Since Mia was able to drink  cow’s milk, I have only given her organic milk.  And yes, it’s a little more expensive, but the cost doesn’t matter when I look at the benefits of organic milk.  Organic milk is free of antibiotics, agri-chemicals and artificial hormones.  Another advantage organic milk has over regular milk is the shelf life.  You can usually have it in the fridge for almost two months.  Since Mia was little I was extra careful making sure she didn’t eat too much candy or junk. I also avoided giving her any kind of soda.  She eats lots of fruits, yogurt, steamed rice and chicken as well as lots of vegetables that I would not have eaten at her age. 

I have become just a little obsessed with flipping over every food at the grocery store to read all the nutritional facts – I look at sodium, sugar, trans fat and calories.  I get criticism every now and then from people who think I’m some kind of crazy health nut or think I want to keep losing weight (which is NOT the case) or thinking that I spend hundreds of dollars on food just because I try and buy more organic and natural products.  The truth is I just want my family to be healthy.

If you’re interested in knowing what foods to avoid, just visit this link:

Five Foods That Should Never Be In Your Grocery Cart

Master Class

One of my favorite shows to watch that inspires me is Oprah's Master Class.  Oprah created this show and has featured well known people such as Alicia Keys, Cindy Crawford, Goldie Hawn, Morgan Freeman, Grant Hill and so many others.  This show tells their stories which in turn inspired me in so many ways.  Sometimes you think celebrities have it so easy, but in reality, they all share common pains, hopes and dreams just like the rest of us.

The episode featuring Cindy Crawford really got me emotional.  I guess because she shared stories regarding her brother who went to heaven at such a young age.  I could relate in losing a brother and she mentioned something that has stuck with me.  "I see my brother as the booster that helped me in my life and journey."  Although, my brother has only been gone for a couple of months, I feel his departure was and is the reason for why I have decided to take leaps instead of steps. 

Because of my brother’s departure, I have received a bigger sense of helping other people, especially people with health issues.  In February my sister, husband and I registered to be bone marrow donors.  After signing up, I watched two shows, the episode of Masterclass with Cindy Crawford and a 20/20 special edition with Robin Roberts.  Cindy discussed how her brother had to go through a bone marrow transplant and Robin Roberts also went through this procedure – which saved her life.  I remember knowing in the inside, God you are letting me know the decision I made was for a reason and it was the right decision.

Before my brother passed, I signed up to do “The Big D Climb” for the second year.  The first year I participated, I just thought, oh this is something new, let me try it.  While I knew it benefited Leukemia & Lymphoma, I didn’t realize how important this event was.  In 2012 my brother was constantly in and out of the hospital.  He had issues with his heart and breathing and it was such a hard time for my family.  During this time I realized how important our health is and it opened my eyes to better myself, how I eat, and the importance of exercising and taking care of my body.  So in January 2013 when I signed up to complete The Big D Climb, I actually decided to fundraise.  I had never done this before.  With the help of friends, family and coworkers, I was able to raise over $350 to contribute to finding a cure for this organization.  The outpour of contributions really shocked me.  I went in thinking most people wouldn’t even bother, but to my surprise, people actually gave.  I had to complete the Big D Climb a week after I lost my brother and only a couple days after we buried his body.  As my little team got closer to the start line, my brother’s favorite song came on.  My sister and I literally were in tears – happy tears.  We knew my brother was with us and we knew he was proud of us.  (Crap, I’m getting teary eyed again just thinking of that moment.)

 “One person can make a difference and every person should try.” - JFK

Quote of the Week

You were made for much more than you ever imagined. The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 2:9, “What God has planned for people who love him is more than eyes have seen or ears have heard. It has never even entered our minds!” (CEV)

The Sign

So, over a month ago I wrote my first entry.  I didn't share that posting with anyone, probably because of my insecurities. This blog has been on my mind a lot in the last several days.  I felt God talking to me, on the inside, asking me "um, where did all your motivation go....where did all that talk go?  Why are you falling behind on your passion?"  As much as I feel I have grown, I still lack the confidence to really just put my passion out there. 

Today was just another Sunday.  I was heading to Target with baby girl and I promise you that I had this blog on my mind.  I kept thinking, oh, I don't know about the title name, I don't really know how to set this blog up........I really don't know what people will think, I don't even know if people will want to read it.....on and on and on.  Then I got to Target, and what do ya know...I get a tweet.  I'm so thankful for that tweet from Monica b/c it was literally God's kick to my butt.  I only shared my attempt to start a blog to a handful of people and Monica was one of them.  She sent me a tweet saying, "Are you still working on your blog?"  I just stood still at that moment and I smiled.  I knew this was God's sign. 

So here I am, I'm working on setting this blog up, so please be patient with me as I get all organized.  I feel awful for putting this off over and over, but what matters is I'm here now and I know more than ever, I'm meant to do this. :)