My Brother

After watching Master Class with Stevie Nicks and hearing her reason for writing I knew I had to write about my brother, about his departure, about our memories, about his sickness and about everything I learned and everything he told me during his last few months here on earth.

Gilbert John Cabrera

My brother was 19 years older than me, and although there was a large age difference, we had an AWESOME brother/sister relationship.  He use to pick me and my sister up from school, he would watch us in the summer and let us eat junk food and got us hooked into wrestling, soap operas, South Park and music.  My brother was a cool brother.  He would buy us stuff all the time, make fun of us, spoil us and make us laugh ALL the time.  He was a jokester, fun and just all around great brother. 

When my brother was born, he had a hole in the heart, a type of simple congenital heart defect.  My mom said he was blue in the face and he wasn't breathing. He had to have heart surgery at such a young age, but he made it through.  When my brother was about 5 or 6 years old, he had a seizure at school and  he ended up having to have surgery to remove a tumor in his head.  Doctors at the time told my mom that he would not live past the age of 15 because of his health issues.  My brother eventually ended up living more than twice of what the doctors had predicted.

My brother didn't finish high school and got involved with drinking and drugs while he was a teenager.  He went through so many health issues, having his parents split up (My brother and I have different dads - his dad and my mom separated and my mom later remarried and had me and my sister Angie.)  and being picked on because he was so skinny.  My brother later turned Christian and did many steps in changing his life around.  While becoming a Christian doesn't mean that your are perfect, he did his best to improve himself.  I remember my brother talking to me about God, Jesus and the bible.  He would have us listen to Christian music and introduced us to a band called Between Thieves, who he later took us to see in concert in Deep Ellum. 

When I got older, I didn't hang out with my brother as much because he got married and had a family of his own.  We would see each other during holidays, talk here and there, but nothing like before.  I remember he would always tell me that Mia reminded him of me when I was little.  He would come around more often when him and his wife weren't on "good terms".  I enjoyed having him around more because he was such the life of the party. 

Last year around this time, my brother went to the hospital.  It was his heart and it was failing.  He ended up having surgery to get a stent put it.  After the surgery when we saw him, he had a big smile on his face and gave us a thumbs up.   He stayed in the hospital for a while and we went to visit and I remember taking him a gift basket full of healthy stuff and I had put it in one of those woven Easter baskets.  My brother was released and was able to spend Easter with us at my house.  My brother and his wife had separated prior to his emergency visit to the hospital.  During the time at the hospital, he and his wife had agreed to fix their issues.  Well, that didn't last very long.  My brother ended up going back to the hospital - I forget what month it was.  This time it was serious.  He was in ICU because he was unable to breathe on his own.  We could only go in two at a time.  I remember him being cranky and upset that day.  He was at Doctor's Hospital and he wanted to be transferred to Parkland. 

He didn't get transferred and he ended up staying at the hospital for weeks.  He was sedated for a long time, I can't even remember now how long it was.  He had a breathing tube and had to be sedated so he wouldn't be in pain.  We were hoping and praying that he would be able to breathe on his own.  After being sedated for awhile, they eased on how strong the medicine was.  He still couldn't open his eyes and he had the breathing tube, but he was able to acknowledge by squeezing our hands that he could hear us.  We were all crying with joy.  That night we talked to him alot and told him we were all praying.  About an hour later, my mom got a phone call that he had pulled the breathing tube out of his mouth.  What was really strange and unexplainable is that he had his arms restrained.  We still don't know to this day how he was able to do that.

There was no need to put the tube back - my brother was breathing on his own, well somewhat at least.  The next day when we went to visit, he had a breathing mask on that covered his nose and mouth, it was really loud and when he tried talking it was very hard to understand him.  It was comforting to hear him speak and to see him smile and see pure joy in his eyes.  At that time he told me that I needed to take care of my mom and dad and to cherish them, he told me that he didn't have to worry about me because he loved Chris and knew I was in good hands with him.   He was talking to all of us as if he would never speak to us again.  I am thankful now for the talks he had with us because the days leading up to his death he was unable to talk.  He also told me that he had several dreams about the world ending.  He told me not to have any more kids and if I felt the need to have more to adopt.  He told me so many things about how I should treat others and especially about keeping God in my life. 

His recovery at the time was so dramatically quick and amazing.  I believe in the power of prayer and thanks to God, he answered them and gave my brother more time on earth with us.  He was released around September and by December, Christmas to be exact, he looked real bad.  He hardly spoke, or even joked that day.  He just looked bad.  My brother ended up back at Parkland in January, he was in ICU and it was basically the same thing all over again.  My brother did not fix his eating habits, he didn't lose weight, which caused him to get diabetes.  He had so much weight pressing on his lungs that caused his heart to work double and his heart was just not strong enough.

Seeing my brother in the hospital that time was really rough.  He had the breathing tube, he was awake, he couldn't talk, I could see pain in his eyes and all I could do was speak God's words to him and let him know not to give up.  He would look at me with tears in his eyes, unable to speak anything to me.  I can't tell you how painful that was.  That was on a Sunday.  I had told my sister that we had to make an effort to see him and the only time was during our lunch time.  We had decided we would go Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  Since he was at Parkland this time around, it was harder to make the evening time visitation time period.  We went Monday and he was fine, still with the breathing tube, unable to talk but he looked better.  When we went back on Wednesday, he was not in a good mood.  You could tell he was upset. We would give him a paper and pen to try and write to us, but he would write things that didn't make sense, he would misspell everything and write like a kindergartner.  It was really scary and sad.  He would pull me close and attempt to try and talk, but no noise would come out.  The tube was blocking his vocal code.  I would tell him, "Gilbert, I can't hear anything.  Please don't try to talk, you are only irritating your throat."  He would get frustrated and at one point, with his arms restrained, did a motion with his hands as in saying bye, leave.  I remember looking at him and saying, "Gilbert, don't be upset.  This is God's will and we just have to accept it.  You can't be mean.  You have to work hard in trying to get better.  I may be your little sister, but you have to listen to me."  He looked at me and I could tell I had gotten through to him.  I told him I loved him and he nodded his head yes.  I asked him, "You love me, right?" and he nodded yes and tried to smile.  He turned to my sister, grabbed her hand and reached over to kiss it and blinked his eyes as in saying, "I'm sorry".  I told him to work on getting better and we would be back on Friday.  That was the last time I saw him alert.

It was Thursday, January 17th and I was on my way home from work and I had been calling my mom everyday just to check up on her and make sure she was doing okay because she had been emotional with my brother being back in ICU.  While I was on the phone with her, she got a call from my older sister Sylvia saying that my brother Gilbert had managed to yank the breathing tube off again.  We all said we were going to head to the hospital and see what awaiting us.  I was shaking the entire time and I just had this feeling in my stomach that this was going to be it.  My brother Jesse was the first at the hospital and he called us and told us he was gasping for breath.  When we got there, I ran to his side, grabbed his hand, but there was no life to him.  His eyes were closed and he had a breathing mask that had very low dosage of oxygen and they had given him morphine to help let the process be as comfortable for him as possible.

His nurse told us when she came in the room to see that he had yanked the tube out, she asked him, "Mr. Cabrera are you happy you took it out?"  He replied with yes.  He was done fighting.  He was ready to go home to the Lord. 

We all were in his room watching each breath, just waiting.  I knew when it was coming because each breath got slower and it took longer for the next one to come.  I held his hand the entire time and my other brother was on the other side.  And then it happened.  His stomach got full of air and then he exhaled and that was it.  He was gone.

The nurse came in to confirm that there was no heartbeat and then we just stood there, said a prayer and comforted each other.  I had never experienced seeing someone pass, so it was so weird - I guess that's the only word I can think of.  I felt like I was there, but not there.  As if I were in a dream.  I was very sad, but at the same time I was also very happy that my brother was no longer suffering.  During this time I was reading Everyday a Friday by Joel Osteen, the journal series and it really helped me know that this was God's timing.(See final words below for the words that helped me through this time)  We can't question God when he decides to take our loved ones.  What I appreciate is that he gave him more life than what doctors predicted.  He was seriously a miracle child.  He was here to serve a purpose and now, I had to take his departure and know that I have to do something with it.  I'm so proud of my family and proud of myself for being able to stay strong through this difficulty.  With God's help we can overcome anything.

God gave me the strength to get through burying my brother.  What is very comforting is knowing that I WILL see him again.  I never say "my brother died" - he didn't die.  He still lives.  He is more alive than ever.  I feel him with me ALL the time.  I talk to him in the mornings and even sometimes on my drive home.  I know he is always with me.  I don't know how to describe the feeling.  It's not an eerie ghost thing, it is an actual feeling.

My brother will always be an important part of my life.  I love him, I miss him, but I will see him soon.

I never want to forget our memories and I never want to forget how I felt when this happened.  Like I said before, he is the reason I'm taking leaps instead of steps. 
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Remember Romans 8:28, "All things work together for those who love God."  The key word is together.  A difficulty on it's own may not make sense, but when it all comes together one day, it will make sense. 

Nothing in life is wasted.  You've heard the saying, "bad things happen to good people."  That is true.  But it's also true that good people overcome bad things and come out better than before. God will turn your test into a testimony.  God would not have allowed the difficulty if he didn't have a divine purpose for it.  - Joel Osteen, Everyday a Friday