I read this article online a while back about how Michelle
Obama caught herself referring to herself as a “single mother”. Really?! Is
what I thought as I bristled at such a remark. No ma’am, you have help and
money! I was a single “all the time”
mother at the moment and no one, not even the first lady could identify with me…
or so I believed.
Let me share a glimpse of my story.
I try not to compare my situation with others because I know
that road leads to a dark, lonely dead end. For three lengthy dramatic years, I
was a single mother to my son, Gael-SebastÃan. I realize there are a lot of
women who have it much worse than I did and it isn’t so much that I coveted the
title of “single mom”. Actually, I hated it! But it was what it was and my
situation embodied the truth of the term. I didn’t get a weekend to myself to
do as I choose. I didn’t have a steady stream of residual income for my child’s
growing wants. I didn’t have the other parent every night with whom to pillow
talk over the latest worries and concerns about our son. I was one. Alone.
Single. Drained.
The father and I split on common terms, there was no
infidelity (thank God) we both just wanted different things, as it usually goes.
I wanted to play wifey and he wanted to live the “party” life. So – I walked
away. It was tough, scratch that it was agonizing, but I walked out with
my integrity and self-worth. A huge part of me wanted him to stop me and choose
us – sadly, he didn’t. As a result, I became withdrawn,
utterly withdrawn. I used to bury myself in the depths of my sorrow, cry out of
confusion and painfully question everything. Will I be okay? Will my son be
okay? Will he and I be able to get along someday? Who will date me? Will people
poke fun at me? Will I lose my friends?
Not every day was easy. Not every night was full of sleep.
But every morning the sun came up and somehow I put one foot in front of the
other. I went through my day, fed the kiddo, hugged him, and loved him. I dealt
with everyday life by continuously praying and putting things into perspective…
framing them up. Each and every day, I told myself, “You got up on February
14th, you can get up today” and I did. I got up. Day after day. You do the
things you have to do and then the day ends and you face another night. Ugh, nights
were the cruelest, but even those became easier as I figured out how to sleep
through the entire night without cringing. Then, at some point you stop doing
it because you have to do it, you are actually happy to do it and you smile
again, you laugh and you notice the sun coming up, the birds chirping and the
flowers blooming. But like most bliss, we must go through the storm before we
could appreciate the sunshine...
I worked harder
than I had ever worked in my life. I was making my way in the world… concealing
the melancholy underneath my determination. I was constantly on the verge of a
nervous breakdown. I felt like from the moment I woke up in the morning to the
moment I laid my head down at night I was in a marathon. No, each day was a
sprint in the epic marathon that had become my life. Getting up, taking care of
my baby boy, getting him to day care, getting myself to work on time, trying to
be awesome at work, dashing out the door at 5 p.m. to make it to daycare on
time, loving on my son so that he would not remember that I had just left him
for ELEVEN HOURS and feeding him and ready-ing him for a new day. Gosh, I’m
exhausted just writing about it. How the hell did I do it? And what I just
described was a good day. Now throw in one little monkey wrench: sick child,
traffic, long meetings at work, car problems, perfectionist micro-managing boss
(ok, so that was every day) and it was a recipe for mind-blowing guilt and
anxiety. I stayed feeling guilty (lots of mommy guilt.... working, single, my
kid is from a "broken" home guilt).... so when I even so much as thought
about going to do something outside of the house, I just couldn’t. I hated to
be away from my little one. I had very little to no help from family. They
confused my strength and clarity with, “She’s got it all under control”. Um,
no. Occasionally, I wondered selfish thoughts, “Would life be different if I had
stayed?” At least I’d have a partner so that when I go out, that person is here
to... well I dislike using the word ‘watch him’ but kind of. I could go out
with friends and not worry about Gael feeling "alone",
"neglected" or placed in harms way. Tragic, I know.
I didn't always WANT to get along with Joe (baby daddy), but
I had to make it work for my son. I had to for him – he loves his daddy. It
took a lot of work and wanting to do it. Not every step was easy and I had to
put my hurt aside for it to work. Truth be told, prayer & patience were my
best tools because there were days I wanted to go ape sh*t wild on him. Haha. Yet
no matter how frantic he would make me, I never talked bad about Joe in front
Gael, ever. This abetted our current relationship immensely.
Moving along… I guess my biggest problem (aside from BD
issues) was maintaining friendships and dating, especially dating. I really
struggled with this. I had so many friends or I had bursts of "close"
friendships that didn't last quite long. I only dated one guy as a single
mommy. A spot-on charmer, smart, tall and handsome, no kids. A dream! It ended
months later – I called it off. Pfft. He wanted a vulnerable woman to control,
I was not that; not even under my doomed circumstance. Sad face but reality is
what it is. C'est la vie! Late-twenties and I’m boring… not partying every
weekend or “hanging out” at happy hour on weekdays instead I acquired hobbies.
Ironically, the first was babysitting children of single moms needing time away
for the little things like manis/pedis, haircuts or a date night. If I couldn’t do it then I should let
someone else relish in a mini break. That pastime proved to be successful and
then I moved on to professional makeup artistry. What started as a passion
filled diversion went on to be a fruitful business. I left my mortgage job and
followed my heart - I had survived!
I found closure where there was pain and wounds. For any
woman who thinks she can't make it on her own, don't let that be the reason for
choosing a life of unhappiness. You never know what you can accomplish until
you try. I, too was weak, naive, afraid and confused about raising a child on
my own. However, with time, I learned it is possible to live on a single paycheck
while managing to maintain my fashionista ways. And, by leaving a partner I
wasn't compatible with at the time, set a good example for my son and allowed
me to take my new found freedom as a chance to re-discover my true self and
create a life worth living rather than staying in a fated relationship. There
are unique and not so unique things about being a single mom, and I know
hearing from others who had been there, done that, really helped. Having pen
& paper to vent whatever I wanted helped too. Best therapy ever!
Fast forward years later…
Joe (baby daddy) and I are back as a team. As one. We sought
after advice from our closest friends & family and have planned a life for
ourselves. God, our son and love brought us back together. He gained a fresh
respect for me and me for him. I thank him for not holding me back before and
he thanks me for not giving up on him… our little boy couldn’t be happier! The
only downside to this triumphant saga is that Joe travels a lot for work and is
away 75% of the time… So I’m back to fulltime mommy duties. I now know what
Michelle Obama meant to say… her husband is a pretty busy guy (obviously) so
she has to do a lot of the parenting herself. There are a lot of “sometimes
single” parents out there that do share a lot of the same challenges as
“fulltime single” parents. It’s a hard route for either circumstance - I've
endured both.
