It's actually been an interesting month. I touched briefly about my battle with anxiety, but I haven't expressed how it truly affects me. Anxiety runs in my family and unfortunately, I have it. It appeared about 4 years ago and it started with feelings of nervousness and heart palpitations. I didn't know that it was anxiety at the time and to tell you the truth, I've never gone to the doctor and been "officially" diagnosed. I just sort of knew because I was familiar with my mother's anxiety and figured that's what I had. Anxiety is brought on by stress. This month I had a bad episode that seemed to last the entire month. I have started running again (took about 7 months off - why? I don't know), which helps me stay stress free. Endorphins are the bomb and keep me calm. But it seems that running was not helping. I have prayed and prayed for this anxiety to be gone, but unfortunately, my prayers have not been answered. In fact, this morning, God spoke to me with a verse from my Jesus Calling, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:7-9.
So basically I'm stuck with this "thorn" and while I'm not happy about it - I have come to grips that this is the hand I've been dealt with and I need to make the best of it. Any maybe just maybe, I can help someone with this simple blog post.
For the longest I felt defected because I had this problem. I kept it private because I didn't want to showcase my flaw. Anxiety has been the biggest "thorn" that I have had to deal with because I can't control it and if anyone really knows me, you would know that I'm miss control freak. I'm super OCD, super organized - don't knock me off my schedule. Yep, I'm "that" girl. I have refused to take medication for anxiety for personal reasons. I just don't want to get addicted and to be quite honest, I'm not big on medicine. I mean, I'll take it, but I try to avoid it until I really need it. That's just me. Going natural seems easy - they say exercise, eat healthy, get enough sleep, take deep breaths, etc. Easier said than done. Sigh.
So......... I started running, making it a priority to get out and watch the sunset at the lake, taking fish oil and Vitamin B supplements, no caffeine (so bye bye White Rockers), and I've decided to start meditation and go back to Yoga.
This "thorn" may be with me, but I'm not gonna let it get the best of me. Just as Paul dealt with his thorn, I know that through my weakness God's power is made perfect and whatever God's will is for me, I will lean on his understanding and not my own - which has been difficult.
I heard something on the radio the other day, "God is with you all the time. In the bad, and the good. He knows what you are going through. He is there.". That was very comforting. I know that walking in the light of the Lord has made my life more joyous, but it is still difficult to deal with the lows of life. What I know is that we are all dealing with a battle.
I have a favorite quote by Friday Kahlo, "I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you."
That quote sums up this blog post. I'm here dealing with this anxiety and I know there are others out there dealing with it as well. I'm here. I'm dealing with it. I don't understand it. I don't like it. But hopefully by becoming open with it, I can find healing and maybe I can make someone feel like they are not alone.
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