The Empty Void

I was 21 years old and I had just gone through the worst break up of my life.  I was so broken.  I use to think of myself as this fierce girl who could take on anything.  I had two relationships in high school where the guy treated me like a princess.  I took advantage of it of course and took those relationships for granted.  You know the saying what goes around comes around? Well, that was where I was at. My mom had always told me to be strong, independent and to never rely on a man for anything.  I modeled that behavior until I was suddenly thrown into a pit where all sense of direction and advice flew past me.  How did I get here?  I wondered time and time again always thinking I could control the issue, change him and live happily ever after.  If I think back to that relationship, I can’t even tell you what I loved about him.  I think I was obsessed with the challenge of changing him.  I hated the rejection.  I wasn’t use to it.   I wanted him to want me, to love me, to adore me just like my prior boyfriends had.  I wanted him to pick me over his friends, over drinking, over the night life, but he didn’t.  Eventually he finally gained the strength and the courage to leave me for good.  I must have called him a million times trying to get him to change his mind, resulting to the low point of almost begging which was such a low moment for me.  I had once worn this armor of titanium and now I was the complete opposite – putty in his hands.  He didn’t take me back, he ignored me, rejected me and it was so hard for me to get over him.  I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

I use to judge girls like me in that moment and think, “She is so stupid. He is clearly cheating on her, why would she take him back?  Why would she want to be with someone who does this to her?”  All the stones I threw were now redirected at me and it added to the distress.  Knowing that people were talking about me and judging me on top of my broken heart was shattering to my soul.  I must say during this time I was going to church religiously. I had hit rock bottom and turned to God for support.  The quick fix that I was looking for wasn’t happening.  God, where are you?

To block my mind from thinking about my ex boyfriend I turned to the night life and drinking.  In all honesty, it started out fun at first and it did the job of making me forget about my heart break in those few hours.  Eventually, without realizing it, I ended up being habituated to the night life, looking forward to the weekend and living mainly for that and only that.  I was having so much fun, forgetting about my pain that I was under the impression that I was really living my life.  While all this “fun” filled the void in my heart, it was only temporary.  A year later I found myself bored, searching for something more.  This life I was living was the same week in and week out. I wasn’t doing anything with my life really.  While I was no longer heartbroken, my heart was still not mended.  I was carrying so much baggage – resentment, hurt, pain, rejection and I didn’t even realize it.  You may also have guessed correctly, that my attendance at church had now become nonexistent.  I thought I was the problem solver and I left God out of my life.  I had made the biggest mistake.

I eventually met my now husband and my life began to pivot.  Unfortunately, all the hurt from my prior relationship carried over and the fear of rejection became so visible in my new relationship.  As I was able to see where my husband’s heart was I was slowly letting some of those feelings subside.  It wasn’t until the void in my heart began to resurface that my search for something bigger than myself returned.  Two years into our marriage we were finally making the effort to go to church and get our children involved.  We didn’t make it a priority, but we made the effort. Once we made God our priority, our lives began changing little by little.  We saw the change and we were hungry for more.  

I now stand here, four years later with the armor of the Lord: A belt of truth that allows me to see clearly, making choices according to God’s plan and purpose for my life. A breastplate of righteousness that protects my heart, guarding my emotions and taking in that which is pure. Spiritual boots which allow me to walk in peace. A shield of faith which is the trust that I hold that God will be my victor in any and every situation. A helmet of salvation that guards my mind and finally the sword of the spirit – applying God’s word to my circumstance.  

These past four years have been an upward journey.  Each step of the way, I have been leaving all the hurt of the past that I was holding onto.  Am I living a pain free life?  Not exactly, but I am able to manage my life in the areas of pain in such a healthier way.  Will things still bring me down?  Oh certainly – it’s a  constant struggle, but I have learned that while I am weak, God’s power is made strong.  There is nothing that I will face in this life that God won’t use for the greater good. 

There’s something special about living this life in the light of the Lord - I know I walk differently, I speak differently, I live differently.  There is no going back.  My heart no longer holds a void, it is filled with an everlasting love – the perfect love that we can only receive from our heavenly Father.  Don’t waste another minute trying to fix things on your own.  There’s a whole other world out there waiting for you.  He’s knocking at your door.  Open the door and let him in.  Your life will never be the same.