The first time I ever felt like I wasn't good enough in that sense was when I met my biological grandmother at her funeral in November of 2010. My biological grandmother gave up my mother to her sister when my mom was born. Luckily, I wasn't stripped away from having a grandmother because I did have a grandmother. Although, biologically she wasn't - she was there for me the way any grandmother would be. I always knew that my mom's mother gave her up, but I never put it together to even think that my grandma wasn't my "real/biological" grandma. Maybe it was because I was young, or maybe I just didn't see it any other way. I still don't.
When I attended my biological grandmother's funeral, I felt cheated out of a relationship and I also felt unwanted. I couldn't understand how this woman would give up on my mom. I couldn't understand how this woman deprived herself out of a wonderful daughter who accomplished so much and had 7 children who she had no memories with. I never met this woman before her funeral. She didn't know me. She never wanted to know me. I didn't know her and I don't know if I would have wanted to know her. I'll admit there was some anger, not just for myself but for my mother. My mother is the apple of my eye and I just couldn't see how her own mother wasn't there for her. Seeing the pictures of her was like seeing my mother. They looked exactly the same.
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| I wish I could ask you "Why?" |
Being a mother myself, I don't understand how mothers can just give life to a child and just turn away. I just don't get it. You would have to kill me to separate me from my daughter. My daughter is my life, my heart and the most precious gift God has ever given me. To take a blessing like that and turn away does not make sense to me. I don't think it ever will.
After that day, I didn't have those feelings anymore. It was in the moment that all the feelings came tumbling down over me and I just realized that I fell victim to having a biological grandparent who never wanted anything to do with me. Maybe I would have felt worse if I hadn't grown up with a grandma relationship - I don't know. What I do know is that I admire my grandmother for not only loving and accepting me like her own, but for taking in my mom and doing the same for her. I would later realize that I was placed on this Earth to do the same task.
I think it was around that time - maybe earlier or even a little later that I had these feelings come up again. I don't want to bash anyone who reads this and thinks I'm being negative, I just want to give my truth to how these things affect us all.
Most people who are close to me know that my husband has two fathers. One fathered him and one raised him. I don't want to put any words on what or how this affected Chris because that is his own story to tell, but I will share my story on how this has affected me:
My daughter has two grandfathers who spoil her, adore her, and take part in her life daily. What saddens me is that Mia doesn't have her biological grandfather in her life. I know most of this has to do with Chris not having a typical father son relationship with his biological dad, but the relationship Chris and his biological dad have is separate to the relationship his biological dad and my daughter should have. I would think a grandfather would make an attempt to see his granddaughter, but in this case, it's not there. That's when momma bear mode kicks in and I get upset and I realize this man doesn't really care about having a relationship with my daughter, or at least that is the impression he gives me. It saddens me and upsets me because another person's decision has affected my daughter. She'll probably never have that relationship with him. What soothes my heart is knowing that another man, who is not blood related has stepped up and not only taken the grandfather role, but boasts with pride in being the best grandpa he can be. I don't dwell on it at all unless it's brought up. The way I see it Mia's not really missing out on anything because she has her two grandpas who love her and will do anything for her. For me, it's the other way around, she's not missing out, but he is. My only fear is that she'll see him one day and have the same feelings I had with my biological grandmother. Feeling cheated out of a relationship and wondering why.
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| Thank you Honey for raising Chris and my kiddos like your own. You are extraordinary!!!!! |
For the record, I don't have any ill feelings towards anyone. I love Chris' biological dad, after all, without him, Chris wouldn't be here, but there are just some decisions that he has made that I'll never understand.
Please check out the following videos regarding Oprah's two part show, "Fatherless Sons". I hope it gives you some insight and hopefully healing if you are a fatherless child.
It's been 20 years since I haven't seen my biological father. I was 9 years old when I last saw him. Never thought that it would be my last. It took me many years to forgive him. My biological father NEVER made any attempts to contact us nor did he ever attempt to attend my younger brother's funeral. I felt many times as the black sheep. My brothers and sister still have contact with their fathers. My friends have fathers living with them or had fathers who were seperated from their mother but their fathers are still apart of their lives. I truly can say that my older brothers were my father figures. They kept me grounded, tough, focused. When I meet my husbands family, it was a whole different other world. Marriages to this day lasting over 30 years. I look at my father in law as a father. I don't let the past swallow my happiness. There are a lot of things I may never know. I don't know if I would want to know for that matter nor seek. Now that I think about it, I wouldn't want my kids to be apart of that side of the family, for reasons that are complex. The Lord has his reasons. And for that, I am grateful because he gave me what I sought for in return in his own ways.
ReplyDeleteFor years, I had hate im my heart towards my dad...actually up until last year. My dad was my king, my love and at times as a child I loved him more so than my mom....when he was sober. My dad was an alcoholic which is an absenty dad. I grew up in a violent household due to his weakness. My father has older children (which i love) who grew up in Mexico with his parents....so when I was 7 I went to meet my "grandma" ....she didnt want to meet the "white daughter" my father had in the states. Feeling rejection is an understatement. Which I can appreciate her loyalty to her "real" grandchildren. At 12, although i loved my dad..I begged my mom to leave that situation. In 8 hours we were out. For years I wanted that image of a dad that would come to me in tears and beg for forgiveness and tell me all his regretes.
ReplyDeleteAfter yrs. Of anger, hate and feeling unloved...I had an aha moment and realized what and who my dad is and that the image I expected was not him nor will it ever be....but i knew he loved me just never knew how to show it. I now have a realationship with him...he is sober and its the small things when he smiles and the longing stare that lets me know im loved.
Me and the girls are here reading your blog and get EVERY word of what you've written. As far as the Momma Bear, yeah, count me in on that too. Ashley has already gotten to the point to where she has been affected by the 'non' relationship to her grandpa but as sad as it is, she understands that Honey is her real grandpa and that's what matters. I hope your readers know that though we've all been affected by the same person, none of us would be where we are without Honey in our lives and we are blessed.
ReplyDeleteThanks Rita! Yes, we are very blessed to have Honey.
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