Letting go

2013 was the year I read “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren.  I had just turned 29 years old and was desperate to know what my purpose in life was. Rick Warren, the author of the book, says finding your purpose must begin with God. He was so right.  

I talked briefly on how this book changed my life in the post titled “My Purpose Driven Life”.  As I mentioned in that blog post, reading the book isn’t what changed my life, it’s what I did and how I applied the teachings of the book to my life that ultimately altered my life. The book discussed the importance of attending church, becoming a member of that church, getting baptized, surrounding myself with fellow believers, serving, sharing the “good news” of Jesus Christ, realizing what my talents are and using those talents to pursue the purpose God set forth for me.  The book also talked about the importance of tithing. 

Finished Book – February 2013

Using Talents for the greater good – February 22, 2013 (GWE blog went live)

Found my new church home – March 2013

Started Serving – May 2013

Baptism – June 2013

Member – Early 2014

Tithing – April 2014

Surrounding myself with fellow believers – Blossomed the entire year of 2014

As you can see, I didn’t do everything immediately or in the same order as the book listed.  Some things took some time, but in the back of my head, I always knew what I needed to do. All I needed was either a push or a tug to lead me.  I can honestly say the only item on the list that was truly difficult was tithing. 

For those who do not know what tithing is, it is simply means voluntarily contributing a tenth of one’s income to support the church. For anyone who has been to church – pretty much any church, knows there is a point in the service where offering takes place.  People reach into their wallets, purses and pull out a check or cash and place it in the bucket as it goes by. 

So you must be asking yourself, why do we have to give?  Well Jesus instructed us to and if he says so, then that’s all the reason we should need.  Rick Warren has said, “Show me how you spend your time and how you spend your money, I’ll show you what’s important in your life.”  People can say God is important in our lives, but no matter what we say, if we were to produce our schedule and our checkbook stubs, the true answer would reveal itself. 

In Matthew 6:21 NLT, Jesus says, “Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.”  If you put all your money towards material items (clothing, shoes, cars, electronics), then that is what becomes important to you.  If you put God first, giving 10 percent back to the church no longer becomes a struggle, it becomes a privilege. 

When my husband and I first decided to start tithing, it was not easy at all.  When we calculated the number of our combined income and what 10 percent of that was, well, the anxiety began to creep in.  How are we going to afford this? 

Deuteronomy 14:23 explains that, “The purpose of tithing is to teach you to always put God first in your lives.”  Our world today screams, “Me, Me, Me! Mine, Mine, Mine!” No wonder everyone is so attached to their belongings.  But did you know, the day you perish, none of those belongings will go with you?  “After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave.” – 1 Timothy 6:7

I let materialism take over me for many years.  I wanted the best of the best and if I had the new purse, the expensive outfit and every new gadget, well that would show I had it all, right?  Wrong.  Yes, those items brought me enjoyment but it was only temporary.  Once the shine wore off, I was seeking more and more which led to lots of unnecessary spending.

As I began tithing, I learned to build up my faith and my trust in God.  I learned not to hold onto things, instead return the first part to God.  It broke the grip of materialism in my life. 

This brought forth a lot of changes for our family. We definitely cut back in different areas, but as the days and weeks passed, the struggle decreased and the enjoyment of giving increased.  The payoff has been enormous.  “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. “Test me in this, says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be enough to store it.” – Malachi 3:10

The tangible and intangible blessings that have been brought forth the last 8 months have been incomparable.  I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I’ve grown this year.  I can’t say my life is perfect because it never will be, but the peace that I have in my life is inconceivable.

Bottom line, your finances reflect what your priorities are.  What do your finances reveal about the priority of God in your life? 

God gave us a choice to give voluntarily out of our hearts.  If you choose not to do so, you are robbing yourself out of so much.  Don’t be so naïve.  Choose to bless your finances, not curse them.

One person gives freely, yet gains more; another withholds what is right, only to become poor. Proverbs 11:24  

The Misconception

Sometimes I wonder if people look at me and think, “She’s a Christian.  She must not have fun.”  Maybe it’s me just assuming things, but I think there has to be some truth to it, because at times I had those same misconceptions about others.  I’ve looked at people who go to church and have thought, wow, they can’t do this or that – that would suck.  When I first started going to church, I was hesitant to add people (from church) to my Facebook, scared that they would judge me or think I wasn’t Christian enough because of things on my FB page.  That was all in my head.  Slowly, I realized that people from church are not judgmental.  (They really aren’t.) 

I had a hard time with that for a while.  I didn’t want to post pictures of myself drinking or going out because I didn’t want to taint this image of me being a devoted Christian.  One thing I have held onto and what helped me release those feelings was a comment one of my Flavour sisters made during a group meeting.  “You can still go out.  You can still have a drink.  It’s just learning to do it in moderation.” 

Just because you are a Christian, does not mean your life is over.  In fact, for me, it meant my life had just begun.  Going to church and living a life in a different light doesn’t mean you stop laughing or having fun.  To tell you the truth, I honestly laugh more now than ever before.  Every Sunday I have so much fun at church.  My pastor is hysterical and my friends at church are the same way.  Unfortunately, I think there are many people who do not want to let God into their lives because they fear He will make them give up anything that is fun.  Their perception of being a Christian is the same as saying the party is over, that to be an obedient follower equals a miserable life.  NOT AT ALL!

Yes, I’ve given up some things, but it was things I needed to give up – Pride, Selfishness, Anger, Anxiety, etc.  While those feelings are still active in my life I have a better understanding of how to look to God to help me become a better person.  When you give your life to God, everything changes for the better. 

There is definitely more joy, more love and support in my life.  What use to really matter doesn’t matter anymore because God places wisdom in our hearts to know the difference between what is needed and what is unnecessary.  As you see the tangible and intangible blessings roll in you don’t really care to go back to where you were at because your life begins to make more sense.  The flowers smell greater, the colors are magnified, the excitement sparks back up – it’s like being in love. 

The truth is, God “richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment” (1 Timothy 6:17b NIV).

Iron Sharpens Iron

As this year comes to an end, I wanted to analyze the year and figure out, in my opinion, the best thing this year gave me.  Was it something I learned?  Something I gained?  An area I grew in?  As I began to reflect, one thing immediately jumped out at me – THEY!  The right “THEY” as my pastor says. 

I have friends – some old and some new.  Some I have known for years and some only for months.  Some friends I see frequently, while others I only see occasionally.  I value all of my friendships, but what I found this year is something completely different.  To quote my pastor once again, “It’s on a whole nutha level.” 

My life has changed.  I don’t necessarily hang out with all the friends I use to hang out with.  No particular reason other than the fact that as individuals, we all start growing apart.  Our lives get moved in different directions.  We get married, have kids and our time with friends gets cut back.  Yes, you can still be friends and celebrate each other on birthdays, etc, but if you are not spending time with each other on a consistent basis, do you really know what each other is going through?

I’ll admit, I was never the type of person to spill out my problems out so quickly, even with close friends.  Every so often, there were times where I felt out of place with friends who I had known for years.  When I got married and when I was pregnant, I honestly felt there was no one I could relate to.  None of my friends were married at the time and none of them had children.  I was also now a step mother which brought forth challenges for me.  I looked around and no one around me seemed to be in my shoes so how could they understand? I went many years dealing with different things and never opened up much to anyone – it was probably due to different reasons - embarrassment, shame, pride, insecurity, etc.  Many times all we see is the exterior and we look at people and we think they have it all figured out and everything seems to be working in their favor.  I’ve learned it is never as it seems.  Everyone is facing something at any given moment.  There’s more to everyone than the happy pictures we post on Facebook.

I wrote a blog a few months back titled, “When you know better, you do better."  I opened up to the fact that the period in which I lost my brother,  I felt that none of my friends really stepped in to be there for me.  It made me feel bad and if I talk about it long enough – even to this day – I will get teary eyed and even a bit angry.    However, during this time, the situation really made me take a look at myself.  Something inside of me said, “You are looking at everyone else, but look at yourself.  Were you always there for your friends in their time of need?”  Talk about a wakeup call.  I know I wasn’t.  Instead of focusing on everyone else, I started focusing on myself and the type of friend I was. 

I use to always throw myself these pity parties on how no one understood or could completely relate to me, yada, yada, yada.  What God did next in my life is amazing.  I was offered to become a group lead at my church’s womens group, Flavour Sisterhood.  Once I got over the nervousness, I agreed.  They placed me in a group for Moms with Teens.  I remember thinking I was going to be stuck with a bunch of older ladies – God, what are you doing?  I wanted to relate to people, not feel more distant from them.  The first meeting showed me that my perception of what women would be in my group was completely wrong.  In fact, I became very close to two of those women.  They were in my age group and happened to have additional children who were about my daughter’s age.  I even featured one of those women here on my blog, Priscilla Gonzalez.

While serving at church a door was opened bringing forth an array of people from all walks of life.  Older, younger, white, black, brown, parents, married couples, singles and everything in between.  I started noticing that these people were different.  They seemed to be so positive and uplifting at all times.  I was able to learn many things from just hearing their story and becoming so motivated by their strength and unshakable faith. Some of the people I met have been through hell and back, but you would never know it.   As I got to know these people and as my husband and children became friends with them as well, it really altered my life – our lives.  A vital reason for the closeness came through a group that some friends of ours  created called, “Spouse Strong” - here we were able to connect and build friendships with other couples.  Not only that, we were able to focus on our marriage and have a safe haven where we could open up and pray with others to strengthen the commitment we have made with our spouses.  It has been completely life changing and has been a crucial piece in the recommitment my husband and I have made towards our marriage.

An abundance of friendships have been made this year, some of them have been new friends and others have been old friendships that have blossomed or have been restored.  One of the greatest things that I experienced this year was the destruction of my feelings of solitary.  It was just a few weeks ago I was going through a trying time at work.  Instead of dealing with the situation alone I learned to reach out to others for help, guidance, advice and prayer.  I sent a text message out and I kid you not, back to back responses of prayer and uplifting messages were sent my way.  It was so overwhelming for me.  I didn’t know how to react.  I was touched from the love and support and I felt great.  I have a support system!  Thank you Jesus!  I finally get what my church preaches about getting to know the right people – The Right They! 

I learned to let my walls down and trust people with the most vulnerable side of me.  I never thought that would happen.  As a society and especially as women, I sometimes feel we get use to the idea that there is no such thing as a true friend. Every time you turn around you see another woman backstabbed from her once “friend”.  You see people who are friends but secretly jealous or envious of one another who are not able to lift each other up or support each other at their fullest potential.  I know I’m not alone when I say even though we are surrounded by people, we can at times feel alone.  I know because I’ve witnessed other people confess to the same feelings I had.  I think when you find the right “THEY” you learn that isn’t the case.  You are willing and ready to share your pain, your weakness and know that someone will not ridicule you or turn around and gossip about you.  It is the complete opposite.  Instead, they will pray for you and help you get back up.  So where can you find the right “They”?  Simple – at church.  Commit and surround yourself with other believers. 

A few weeks ago when I was thinking of writing on the topic of friendships, I sat across from my husband at Pei Wei reliving the memories of how I felt when my brother passed and the emptiness I felt when it came to the people who were there for me.  My eyes began to fill with tears and I said to him, “I know that if I was going to Fellowship Church when my brother passed things would have been completely different.  These people I’ve met, they would have been there at the hospital, at the viewing, at the funeral.  They would have hugged me, cried with me and prayed for me.”  At that point I knew the difference and I was so thankful.  The next time I’m faced with a hardship they will be there for me.  The even better thing is when I have something to celebrate, they will be praising Jesus right next to me.  That’s what life is about - having people to lift you up when you are down and celebrate you when you receive those special blessings from our Lord and Savior.  

P.S. For those friends of mine who are reading this I want to keep extending the invite to Fellowship Church.  The reason why I’m always asking, “When are you going to church?” isn’t to make you feel one way or another, it’s to get you plugged in.  I want you to feel what I feel.  I want your life to be changed the way mine has.  I love you so much that I want you to join me.  I want our friendship to flourish, I want our kids to grow up with each other and blossom into the next generation leaders.  I want you to reach out to me when you are going through difficulties and I want to do the same with you.  Friendship is more than just getting together to celebrate on birthdays.  Please join me this coming Sunday at Fellowship Church. I promise you won’t regret it. 

The Empty Void

I was 21 years old and I had just gone through the worst break up of my life.  I was so broken.  I use to think of myself as this fierce girl who could take on anything.  I had two relationships in high school where the guy treated me like a princess.  I took advantage of it of course and took those relationships for granted.  You know the saying what goes around comes around? Well, that was where I was at. My mom had always told me to be strong, independent and to never rely on a man for anything.  I modeled that behavior until I was suddenly thrown into a pit where all sense of direction and advice flew past me.  How did I get here?  I wondered time and time again always thinking I could control the issue, change him and live happily ever after.  If I think back to that relationship, I can’t even tell you what I loved about him.  I think I was obsessed with the challenge of changing him.  I hated the rejection.  I wasn’t use to it.   I wanted him to want me, to love me, to adore me just like my prior boyfriends had.  I wanted him to pick me over his friends, over drinking, over the night life, but he didn’t.  Eventually he finally gained the strength and the courage to leave me for good.  I must have called him a million times trying to get him to change his mind, resulting to the low point of almost begging which was such a low moment for me.  I had once worn this armor of titanium and now I was the complete opposite – putty in his hands.  He didn’t take me back, he ignored me, rejected me and it was so hard for me to get over him.  I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

I use to judge girls like me in that moment and think, “She is so stupid. He is clearly cheating on her, why would she take him back?  Why would she want to be with someone who does this to her?”  All the stones I threw were now redirected at me and it added to the distress.  Knowing that people were talking about me and judging me on top of my broken heart was shattering to my soul.  I must say during this time I was going to church religiously. I had hit rock bottom and turned to God for support.  The quick fix that I was looking for wasn’t happening.  God, where are you?

To block my mind from thinking about my ex boyfriend I turned to the night life and drinking.  In all honesty, it started out fun at first and it did the job of making me forget about my heart break in those few hours.  Eventually, without realizing it, I ended up being habituated to the night life, looking forward to the weekend and living mainly for that and only that.  I was having so much fun, forgetting about my pain that I was under the impression that I was really living my life.  While all this “fun” filled the void in my heart, it was only temporary.  A year later I found myself bored, searching for something more.  This life I was living was the same week in and week out. I wasn’t doing anything with my life really.  While I was no longer heartbroken, my heart was still not mended.  I was carrying so much baggage – resentment, hurt, pain, rejection and I didn’t even realize it.  You may also have guessed correctly, that my attendance at church had now become nonexistent.  I thought I was the problem solver and I left God out of my life.  I had made the biggest mistake.

I eventually met my now husband and my life began to pivot.  Unfortunately, all the hurt from my prior relationship carried over and the fear of rejection became so visible in my new relationship.  As I was able to see where my husband’s heart was I was slowly letting some of those feelings subside.  It wasn’t until the void in my heart began to resurface that my search for something bigger than myself returned.  Two years into our marriage we were finally making the effort to go to church and get our children involved.  We didn’t make it a priority, but we made the effort. Once we made God our priority, our lives began changing little by little.  We saw the change and we were hungry for more.  

I now stand here, four years later with the armor of the Lord: A belt of truth that allows me to see clearly, making choices according to God’s plan and purpose for my life. A breastplate of righteousness that protects my heart, guarding my emotions and taking in that which is pure. Spiritual boots which allow me to walk in peace. A shield of faith which is the trust that I hold that God will be my victor in any and every situation. A helmet of salvation that guards my mind and finally the sword of the spirit – applying God’s word to my circumstance.  

These past four years have been an upward journey.  Each step of the way, I have been leaving all the hurt of the past that I was holding onto.  Am I living a pain free life?  Not exactly, but I am able to manage my life in the areas of pain in such a healthier way.  Will things still bring me down?  Oh certainly – it’s a  constant struggle, but I have learned that while I am weak, God’s power is made strong.  There is nothing that I will face in this life that God won’t use for the greater good. 

There’s something special about living this life in the light of the Lord - I know I walk differently, I speak differently, I live differently.  There is no going back.  My heart no longer holds a void, it is filled with an everlasting love – the perfect love that we can only receive from our heavenly Father.  Don’t waste another minute trying to fix things on your own.  There’s a whole other world out there waiting for you.  He’s knocking at your door.  Open the door and let him in.  Your life will never be the same. 

Gentlewoman, Priscilla Gonzalez

I’m excited to introduce you to my next Gentlewoman, Priscilla Gonzalez.  I met Priscilla earlier this year at my church’s women’s group, Flavour Sisterhood.  A month or two ago, we became friends on Facebook and I found out that Priscilla had lost her oldest son, Fabian in a car accident last year.  Knowing that she had lost a son really shocked me because if you know Priscilla you will know that this woman wears a constant smile on her face.  She is devoted to church and you can see her and her family there every Sunday.  She shows no sign of defeat; in fact, she exudes this strength in her presence.  Priscilla exemplifies the true meaning of being a Christian in my eyes.  Her faith cannot be shaken.  I am so proud to call her a friend and I am honored to call her a sister.

Just this week I received a daily devotional from Greg Laurie.  The subject line read, “Trusting in the Dark Times”.  After I read the email, I knew this would be a great intro to Priscilla’s GW blog post.  I loved it so much I wanted to share with you all.

 God wants us to experience joy as believers—not a fickle happiness that depends on circumstances or changes with the wind direction, but a joy that remains in spite of what may be taking place around you.

Anyone can be relatively happy when things are going well. But when you face adversity or sickness or hardship and then rejoice, you show that something supernatural has occurred in your life. In fact, you show yourself to be a real Christian. This is a unique trait of believers—that we can rejoice when things go wrong.

How do we do it? We find the key in Philippians 4:4: "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!" Paul didn't say to rejoice in circumstances. Rather, he said to rejoice in the Lord. In other words, God is still on the throne. You're still going to heaven. You're still forgiven. God still has a plan for your life; He has not abandoned you. We need to take joy in the Lord always. That is the key. I recognize that in spite of what I may be going through right now, His plans for me are still good. And He will never leave or forsake me.

Priscilla Gonzalez

For those people who don’t you, can you tell me a little bit about yourself?

I’m Priscilla Gonzalez, married with three children.  My husband is my high school sweetheart and our children are our greatest accomplishment. We have a son that recently passed from this life to be with our Savior.

Losing a child has to be one of the hardest difficulties to endure. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain, loss, and never ending void that comes along with it.  Can you tell my readers what exactly happened on that fateful Friday night in 2013?

Fabian met his maker in April 2013 and our lives have not been the same since. He was speeding trying to meet his curfew and lost control of the vehicle.

When I found out that you were a mother who had lost her son, honestly, I was completely shocked.  You had been a part of my Flavour bible study group and never once brought it up.  You have always had this smile on your face and never looked like a woman that was defeated.  How were you able to stand, and continue to stand with an invisible armor while still grieving the loss of your son?

I take it day by day, sometimes minute by minute. God renews my strength each day, it’s nothing that I’ve done or can do but it’s what He can do through me. Christ has truly covered me with a blanket of peace, protection and hope.

Sometimes we don’t realize what we have until it’s too late.  What advice do you have for all the parents out there who get caught up in the struggle of raising and disciplining their kids versus enjoying and cherishing their kids in the present moment?

I would say that parents have to truly have a heart for raising their children. I mean be intentional about being available to them. Being a good parent is hard work especially when you add a full-time job, cooking, cleaning, and all the other chores, it gets exhausting. But our children need us; they thrive on our attention and approval. We have to keep in mind that they are a gift from God and should be treated as such.

I truly believe that all things work for good for those who believe.  Looking back on this past year, what has been the light in the darkness?

Involvement in our church and love for others has been ignited within us. We have seen Fabian’s friends attend church and worship with us. Our family fully grasps that life is fragile and our days are numbered so we choose to not focus on the petty things in life. The love I have for my husband is so deep and genuine. Of course I would have rather those things come about a different way but I can accept that all we have gone through and continue to go through is God’s perfect will for our lives.  I know that if we keep our faith in Christ we will be reunited with Fabian again. I have hope.

What is the best piece of advice you have ever received?

You know sometimes advice is not spoken to you directly but indirectly through someone’s actions. My mother has always prayed for her children. So I take that unspoken advice and pray for my children without ceasing. I remember my mother dropping me off at school and I could hear her praying for me under her breath. I was a teenager with a son which tells you I was not the perfect daughter but my mother didn’t care she kept on praying for me and I believe that made all the difference in my life.

What are your dreams?

My hope is to raise kingdom children and my dream is to be reunited with Fabian. I long for the days when my family can be whole again.

Who inspires you and why?

My pastor Ed Young and his wife Lisa Young inspire me to have a thriving marriage and to put my husband before my children (which is hard for me to do sometimes). They also inspire me to serve because if I’m not serving I’m swerving…my Fellowship Church family will get that ;)

Pastor Tony Evans inspires me to raise my children with a purpose and to have a kingdom agenda mind-set.

What do you think women in our generation need to hear?

I would like to see women make the most of their current situation. Lots of times we blame others for things that have happened to us but when you have hope in Jesus Christ you can lay all your burdens at his feet and he will carry the load for you. Sit back, evaluate your situation and refocus on what truly matters.

What are you most proud of?

I’m most proud of how our family came together to help raise Fabian. You know the saying it takes a village to raise a child, well that’s true in this case. We didn’t know what we were doing as teen parents but with our family’s help we raised a respectful, ambitious, and intelligent young man. Now with those skills that we learned we will raise our other children the same way.

Choose Not To Suffer

I went to yoga class the other night and while in the savasana pose (otherwise known as the corpse/dead man’s pose), our teacher began talking to us about suffering.  He mentioned he had heard something the other day that gave him a new perspective .  “We allow ourselves to suffer, whether it’s physically, mentally or internal.  Think about it.  Sometimes we over think too much and we focus too much on the problem.  We create the suffering.”   As I was lying there, I started thinking about what he said and I couldn’t help but question it.  I was flip flopping – part of me understood what he was saying, but the other part of me started thinking, well no, suffering is inevitable in this world.  We don’t always create the suffering.

When class was over and I got in my car, the first song that came on was “Hope in Front of Me” by  Danny Gokey.  This song is about reaching rock bottom and pulling though. Danny wrote this song about the darkness that entered his life right before a pivotal moment in his life. Just four weeks before he auditioned for American Idol, Danny’s wife died from complications during a routine surgery for congenital heart disease.  His wife, Sophia Martinez, was his high school sweetheart.  They were married for 4 years and together for 12.   Can you imagine the devastation?  Danny was able to honor his wife by pursuing the dream she had envisioned for him by competing on American Idol and advancing to the final three before being eliminated. Through this time period, Danny was able to keep hope in front of him because of his unshakable faith.  There are many people who have lost loved ones, experienced tremendous heartbreak and are able to smile and continue to live their lives because of the strength God has given them to overcome. New beginnings are possible.  You can recover after devastating loss.  

I can speak from experience as I look back on my life.  God was always the one I leaned on during the many hardships in my life.  Many of you that have read my blog know that losing my brother was a very difficult time for both me and my family.  Before we lost him, he was continuously in and out of the hospital for a year.  It was torture to see someone you love with breathing tubes and their arms restrained to a hospital bed, but that year God wrapped his arms around me and gave me a peace like no other.  As I was listening to this song and all these thoughts circled, I thought of my friend Priscilla who lost her son in a car accident and how she is able to stand so strong despite the continuous heartache that she has.   Suffering can be momentary, if you allow it.

And so, we can’t control the pain or the hardship from presenting itself and yes, there is suffering, but the key is not to stay planted in the suffering for long.  Choose not to suffer. 

The only way I know how is by leaning on the strength of our creator.  

No matter how bad it gets, you'll be alright.  There is hope in front of you. 

 

Present Suffering and Future Glory Romans 18 – 28

18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. 

22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to son ship, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. 

26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. 

28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

Two are better than one

“Romantic love, it’s so sugar sweet.  It comes and goes.  You wanna know what love is about?  Give it when you feel nothing.”

This Saturday marks the 6^th wedding anniversary for my husband and I.  Today, as I look back on our years of marriage, I can’t help but think, if I knew then that marriage wasn’t like the movies, would I have been as excited to take the next step? If I were to look out at the troubled waters, would I have been so quick to jump in without a life jacket?

You never know how hard something is going to be until you take the plunge….parenting, college, career – everything we do in life  (that matters) takes time, sacrifice and work.  My outlook on marriage as a newlywed was simply thinking it would be so easy.  As long as you love each other, what troubles could really prevent you from having a successful marriage?  I didn’t understand why people got divorced, why people cheated on their spouses or why so many couples became roommates.  I ended up learning gradually that the excitement dwindles rather quickly. Children take over, finances become the root of most arguments, and the change from being single to married is a BIG adjustment for both the man and woman.  I would have to say that when my husband and I got married, we had more single friends than married friends.  I’m not saying married couples can’t have single friends, but we were on a different planet from our single friends.  We had children, they didn’t.  We couldn’t just get up and go and do the things that our friends were doing.  We did our best to keep up, but it became stressful financially, and took a toll on us as parents.  We went out a lot, spent money foolishly on nights we can’t remember and woke up exhausted the following morning with no energy for our children.  We had this vision to not become this married couple that couldn’t have fun, but we were taking the wrong approach.  Most of those nights we had a blast, but some nights the drinking would cause arguments.  Somewhere in those first two years, we had lost focus.  Marriage became mundane and even though we loved each other, things had changed. We were arguing over petty things and not honoring each other on the level we were created for. 

Our first years of marriage did not include any form of a relationship with God and if I look back I can tell you that was the missing piece.  Some of you may roll your eyes and think, oh here she goes bringing up the Jesus stuff, but I am not bringing it up just to bring it up -  this is my truth.  I knew I wanted to bring up my daughter in church and let her know about our creator, but when you go out on weekends, you really don’t wake up on Sunday mornings with the vitality to go to church.  That was my excuse all that time.  It was about this time 3 years ago that my husband and I planned a trip to Houston, Texas and we decided to visit Lakewood Church.  Chris knew I loved watching Joel Osteen on TV and he asked me if I wanted to go.  I think back to that day and I get chills because I know that was the catalyst moment in which our lives were forever changed.   We got up that morning and made our way to Lakewood Church and I am not exaggerating when I say that when we both went inside, we immediately felt the tears fill our eyes and a feeling of comfort take over.  The experience was amazing and when the offer to go up and have a church member pray for you presented itself, we got out of our seats and made our way to the front.  I remember the pastor asking what our prayer request was and as I opened my mouth to speak, the words couldn’t come out. I was crying and I didn’t know why.  Through my cracked voice, I asked him to pray for our marriage.  I don’t remember what he said, but that prayer was needed and our marriage has never been the same.  We didn’t immediately go from 0 – 100, but the steps to restore the honor for each other changed day by day and eventually we were back on the yellow brick road that would lead us to the new chapter in our marriage.

Perfection is not realistic.  Marriage is work.  It’s hard work.  It starts off easy, but through the years, it can easily become rocky.  I look back now and I think, how could I think it was easy?  If anything, I should have been thinking how could it not be hard.  Statistics show that 50% of all American marriages end in divorce.  So basically, we all a 50/50 chance.  That’s crazy! 

Chris and I are so lucky to be part of a church that has helped our marriage grow.  We have become friends with so many couples who are like us – fighting against the enemy to keep our marriage alive.  I am so proud to be part of a church that encourages dating your mate, speaking about marriage and family and having so many avenues to help.  Our marriage is far from perfect, we still argue every now and then, we get mad, we have hardships, but it’s not like before.  I am proud of far we have come and I’m proud that we look at each other as team.  “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.  But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

 

To my husband: 

I see all the troubled waters.  I’d jump in anyway.   

Love, Your rib

Thorn in my flesh

Everyone has a bad day, but a bad week?  It's Thursday night and I'm home alone with my mind racing around with all the events that occurred this week.  I'm victim of bad days but having consecutive days filled with irritation and setbacks is foreign to me.

It's actually been an interesting month.  I touched briefly about my battle with anxiety, but I haven't expressed how it truly affects me.  Anxiety runs in my family and unfortunately, I have it.  It appeared about 4 years ago and it started with feelings of nervousness and heart palpitations.  I didn't know that it was anxiety at the time and to tell you the truth, I've never gone to the doctor and been "officially" diagnosed.  I just sort of knew because I was familiar with my mother's anxiety and figured that's what I had. Anxiety is brought on by stress.  This month I had a bad episode that seemed to last the entire month.  I have started running again (took about 7 months off - why?  I don't know), which helps me stay stress free.  Endorphins are the bomb and keep me calm.  But it seems that running was not helping.  I have prayed and prayed for this anxiety to be gone, but unfortunately, my prayers have not been answered.  In fact, this morning, God spoke to me with a verse from my Jesus Calling, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Corinthians 12:7-9.

So basically I'm stuck with this "thorn" and while I'm not happy about it - I have come to grips that this is the hand I've been dealt with and I need to make the best of it.  Any maybe just maybe, I can help someone with this simple blog post. 

For the longest I felt defected because I had this problem.  I kept it private because I didn't want to showcase my flaw.  Anxiety has been the biggest "thorn" that I have had to deal with because I can't control it and if anyone really knows me, you would know that I'm miss control freak.  I'm super OCD, super organized - don't knock me off my schedule.  Yep, I'm "that" girl.  I have refused to take medication for anxiety for personal reasons.  I just don't want to get addicted and to be quite honest, I'm not big on medicine.  I mean, I'll take it, but I try to  avoid it until I really need it.  That's just me.  Going natural seems easy - they say exercise, eat healthy, get enough sleep, take deep breaths, etc.  Easier said than done. Sigh.

So......... I started running, making it a priority to get out and watch the sunset at the lake, taking fish oil and Vitamin B supplements, no caffeine (so bye bye White Rockers), and I've decided to start meditation and go back to Yoga. 

This "thorn" may be with me, but I'm not gonna let it get the best of me.  Just as Paul dealt with his thorn, I know that through my weakness God's power is made perfect and whatever God's will is for me, I will lean on his understanding and not my own - which has been difficult.

I heard something on the radio the other day, "God is with you all the time.  In the bad, and the good.  He knows what you are going through.  He is there.". That was very comforting.  I know that walking in the light of the Lord has made my life more joyous, but it is still difficult to deal with the lows of life.  What I know is that we are all dealing with a battle. 

I have a favorite quote by Friday Kahlo, "I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do.  I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too.  Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it's true I'm here, and I'm just as strange as you."

That quote sums up this blog post.  I'm here dealing with this anxiety and I know there are others out there dealing with it as well.  I'm here.  I'm dealing with it.  I don't understand it.  I don't like it.  But hopefully by becoming open with it, I can find healing and maybe I can make someone feel like they are not alone.

You only have one heart - take care of it.

It’s been over a year now that my brother went to be with the Lord.  If you’ve read his story, you will know that he was born with hole in his heart and suffered from heart related issues since he was a baby.  Heart disease eventually became the sickness that took his life away.  To honor my brother, I made it a responsibility to educate myself and others about the #1 killer in both men and women around the world. 

In my attempt to spread the news, I wanted to share with you fellow Gentlewoman, Alex Ramirez’s story.    Who would think at 25 years old, a young woman would be dealing with heart conditions?  I’m sure she didn’t, but luckily for Alex she was able to get checked before things got worse. 

What type of heart condition are you currently dealing with?  I have been dealing with Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT) for the past 5 years.  I’m sure I have had it since I was a teenager, I just didn’t know the symptoms were anything to be concerned about.  At that age, I would dismiss the symptoms all the time. 

Can you tell me a little bit more about what Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT) is? Supraventricular tachycardia (SVT) means that from time to time my heart beats very fast for a reason other than exercise, high fever, or stress.  During an episode of SVT, the heart’s electrical system doesn’t work right, causing the heart to beat very fast.  The heart beats at least 100 beats a minute and may reach 300 beats a minute.  It’s like driving your car at 100mph every day, all day.  Of course it will eventually take its course and damage the motor – similar to my heart.  I need to slow down in order to not damage it.  SVT makes me very tired and fatigued along with other side effects such as angina (chest pain), palpitations and occasional fainting.   My mother and sisters suffer from SVT as well.  I’ve also had 3 aunts die from sudden heart related issues.

When did you start noticing symptoms or realize you needed to go to the doctor?  My initial first ER experience due to SVT occurred back in 2008 while I was at work.  I was sitting at my desk feeling sick for three days straight with chest pain and tightness.  My heart rate was at 180 which is pretty high for just sitting.  Thankfully, my friend told my boss who was a surgeon and they rushed me to the ER and did all the necessary testing.  By the grace of God, I didn’t end up having a full blown heart attack.

How are you currently dealing with the condition? (Medications, diet change, etc)  I take Coreg 40 mg twice a day.  I don’t ever miss a dose or I will regret it.  I will definitely get sick.  I stay out of direct sunlight or sun exposure because that puts extra pressure on your heart.  No caffeine, keep stress to a minimum – although that’s almost impossible now in life. No haunted houses or rides at Six Flags.

What advice can you give to my readers regarding heart conditions and getting themselves checked out? Best advice I can give anyone who wants it is - don’t wait until tomorrow to get a check up or see a doctor.  If you have concerns about anything like chest tightness, or even if you have asthma, which I do (and is what I blamed all my symptoms on), don’t hesitate to see a PCP or a Cardiologist.  Chest pain/tightness, shortness of breath, numbness in your hands or arms, family history of high blood pressure/heart disease/heart attack/strokes, these are all reasons to go see a doctor as soon as you can.  All the “what ifs” can be answered by getting a check up before it’s too late.

God works in mysterious ways.  I now work for a Cardiologist and I’ve learned so much.  You only have one heart and you need to take care of it. It is better to be safe than sorry.  I work for North Texas Heart Center at Presbyterian. I can give anyone information at anytime.  It would be my pleasure.

If you would like more information regarding SVT, you can visit The Heart Association webpage here.

Also, I have signed up to raise funds and participate in The Heart Walk in Dallas, TX again this year.  I would love if you would join my team and/or make a donation.  (Any amount is appreciated.)  The Heart Walk is FREE to join and will take place September 13^th at 9:00 AM at the Base of Reunion Tower (300 Reunion Boulevard East, Dallas, TX 75207).  The Heart Walk is a three mile noncompetitive event.  I participate in this walk in honor of my brother and for all the people who have lost their lives to heart disease.  I also walk for those who are currently in the battle of making their heart healthy again.

Visit my homepage.

Where have I been?

Well, the answer to where I've been can be summed up in one word: Here.  I've been here, but I've been uninspired in the last few weeks.  I've been in a little hole of pity.  First let me tell you I'm recovering from walking pneumonia.  This sickness took me out for a good two weeks. During this time, I've been tired and weak. I have been thinking about this blog and the lack of attention that I've given it.  Writer's block?  Perhaps.  To tell you the truth, I just didn't make the effort to devote time to writing.  But for me, if I'm not inspired to write, I have nothing to produce, therefore, I will sit down and begin typing, eventually finding myself in front of a blank screen.  In the last week, I've been recovering from walking pneumonia but I also experienced a rollercoaster ride that took me down before it brought me back up.

It started on Monday, I came back to work from a quiet weekend.  Without going into full details of the events that occurred, there were some changes at work that didn't necessarily affect me at first, but eventually did.  Sometimes you feel that things at work suck.  It was one of those weeks.  I found myself overthinking, over analyzing and then there I was in that little hole.  Help! Help! I needed to get out.  I dug the hole and then put myself in there and now I needed to get out.  I was looking at myself thinking "Where is the woman full of inspiration and positivity?". I lost my mojo for a minute.  I sat in the hole for a day or two and then as the week was about to conclude, I was reminded what I stand for. 

Snap out of it Vickie!  Just in that moment, I turned my situation over to God.  That's what he is there for.  And when we don't like what's happening, we lean not on our understanding but on His understanding.  I lost myself for a few days.  I had taken everything that I relay out to you all and threw it down the train.  I had to go back to all the encouraging words and verses that I do stand for that have gotten me through all the various points of my life.  In that moment, I was presented with an idea. 

I can't wait to tell you all what I am about to embark upon - which I will but I have to get a few things together first.

But I wanted to let you know that we all go through little moments that suck, where we feel unmotivated and lost.  You can overcome anything no matter how big or small.  Keep reminding yourself what you stand for, what you want and then go and get it!!! 

Take heart, you are headed to something bigger and better.  Stay encouraged.  If something didn't work out, don't let pity take root.  What was meant for your harm, God will use to your advantage. 

Home Improvement Part II

When my husband and I decided to work on our finances and begin tithing out 10%, we noticed great blessings along the way. Just as we were on this "high" of giving and feeling great about it, our refrigerator broke. Not good. Luckily, we have a spare refrigerator in the garage and we were able to save our recently purchased groceries over to the other refrigerator before they spoiled. This was the second time our refrigerator went out so taking a chance on fixing it again and spending another $300 when we had just fixed it about 6 months prior didn't seem so logical. Would it continue to break on us? My dad suggested we purchase a new one, but that didn't seem fitting as we were working on knocking out our debt. We had some money set aside which we had planned on paying off a credit account at Fry's before our 12 month interest free promotion ended. We ended up paying off the account and decided that while our initial goal was to close the account, if we did the same thing where we paid off the balance before interest kicked in, then we would be OK. While we were looking at the refrigerators, we ended up not only picking a new refrigerator but a new stove, microwave and dishwasher! I was so excited. Unfortunately, we had to wait for our account to post the deposit which would give us the necessary credit allowance to make the big purchase. This turned out to be a long drawn out process that left us with a very bad experience at Fry's. The story is too long to tell and every time my husband relives it, he can't help but get frustrated and annoyed all over again. Let's just say: bad communication, very bad customer service and a lack to make things better. Their loss because our business went elsewhere. During these two weeks where we were getting the "run around" from the staff at Fry's, we became disappointed. At one point it seemed like everything that could go wrong went wrong. But you know we just kept saying "God has something better in store." And what do you know – He did! I know this is just a situation of dealing with bad customer service but I think the power of positivity comes in handy when dealing with any type of situation. We couldn't get down. We knew this would happen for us, we just had to see what God was teaching us through this experience and remain faithful that God would bless us with the ability to get our new appliances.

And we did. What I learned through this experience is that yes God will shower his blessings for following in obedience, but we must remain faithful during those times when we feel taken back. When you remain faithful, God will open doors when man blocks it. So here we are, months later after our decision to follow through with tithing and we are seeing the blessings come to life.

Here are the pictures of our kitchen when we first moved in.

Here are the pictures of the kitchen prior to our new appliances.  You will notice we purchased a new stovetop and ventahood as well as new lighting fixtures and new cabinet handles.  We also removed those doors by the refrigerator and we painted the walls and added mini blinds.

In order to get our kitchen updated, we had to remove some cabinets to make room for the stove.  Thanks to my husband and father in law, we were able to do this on our own without hiring someone to do the job for us.  

And here is our new kitchen. I am so very happy. Just to let you know when we first moved into this house, the kitchen was my least favorite room of the house. I had always wanted a big open kitchen and I ended up with this kitchen that I disliked. Yes, it's still not the big spacious kitchen that I dreamed of, but it has made a big improvement and I'm pretty proud of our little kitchen now. 

 

 

Tales from the Single Mom

Blog Post by Tania Cuadra

I read this article online a while back about how Michelle Obama caught herself referring to herself as a “single mother”. Really?! Is what I thought as I bristled at such a remark. No ma’am, you have help and money! I was a single “all the time” mother at the moment and no one, not even the first lady could identify with me… or so I believed.

Let me share a glimpse of my story.

I try not to compare my situation with others because I know that road leads to a dark, lonely dead end. For three lengthy dramatic years, I was a single mother to my son, Gael-Sebastían. I realize there are a lot of women who have it much worse than I did and it isn’t so much that I coveted the title of “single mom”. Actually, I hated it! But it was what it was and my situation embodied the truth of the term. I didn’t get a weekend to myself to do as I choose. I didn’t have a steady stream of residual income for my child’s growing wants. I didn’t have the other parent every night with whom to pillow talk over the latest worries and concerns about our son. I was one. Alone. Single. Drained.

The father and I split on common terms, there was no infidelity (thank God) we both just wanted different things, as it usually goes. I wanted to play wifey and he wanted to live the “party” life. So – I walked away. It was tough, scratch that it was agonizing, but I walked out with my integrity and self-worth. A huge part of me wanted him to stop me and choose us – sadly, he didn’t. As a result, I became withdrawn, utterly withdrawn. I used to bury myself in the depths of my sorrow, cry out of confusion and painfully question everything. Will I be okay? Will my son be okay? Will he and I be able to get along someday? Who will date me? Will people poke fun at me? Will I lose my friends?

Not every day was easy. Not every night was full of sleep. But every morning the sun came up and somehow I put one foot in front of the other. I went through my day, fed the kiddo, hugged him, and loved him. I dealt with everyday life by continuously praying and putting things into perspective… framing them up. Each and every day, I told myself, “You got up on February 14th, you can get up today” and I did. I got up. Day after day. You do the things you have to do and then the day ends and you face another night. Ugh, nights were the cruelest, but even those became easier as I figured out how to sleep through the entire night without cringing. Then, at some point you stop doing it because you have to do it, you are actually happy to do it and you smile again, you laugh and you notice the sun coming up, the birds chirping and the flowers blooming. But like most bliss, we must go through the storm before we could appreciate the sunshine...

I worked harder than I had ever worked in my life. I was making my way in the world… concealing the melancholy underneath my determination. I was constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I felt like from the moment I woke up in the morning to the moment I laid my head down at night I was in a marathon. No, each day was a sprint in the epic marathon that had become my life. Getting up, taking care of my baby boy, getting him to day care, getting myself to work on time, trying to be awesome at work, dashing out the door at 5 p.m. to make it to daycare on time, loving on my son so that he would not remember that I had just left him for ELEVEN HOURS and feeding him and ready-ing him for a new day. Gosh, I’m exhausted just writing about it. How the hell did I do it? And what I just described was a good day. Now throw in one little monkey wrench: sick child, traffic, long meetings at work, car problems, perfectionist micro-managing boss (ok, so that was every day) and it was a recipe for mind-blowing guilt and anxiety. I stayed feeling guilty (lots of mommy guilt.... working, single, my kid is from a "broken" home guilt).... so when I even so much as thought about going to do something outside of the house, I just couldn’t. I hated to be away from my little one. I had very little to no help from family. They confused my strength and clarity with, “She’s got it all under control”. Um, no. Occasionally, I wondered selfish thoughts, “Would life be different if I had stayed?” At least I’d have a partner so that when I go out, that person is here to... well I dislike using the word ‘watch him’ but kind of. I could go out with friends and not worry about Gael feeling "alone", "neglected" or placed in harms way. Tragic, I know.

I didn't always WANT to get along with Joe (baby daddy), but I had to make it work for my son. I had to for him – he loves his daddy. It took a lot of work and wanting to do it. Not every step was easy and I had to put my hurt aside for it to work. Truth be told, prayer & patience were my best tools because there were days I wanted to go ape sh*t wild on him. Haha. Yet no matter how frantic he would make me, I never talked bad about Joe in front Gael, ever. This abetted our current relationship immensely.

Moving along… I guess my biggest problem (aside from BD issues) was maintaining friendships and dating, especially dating. I really struggled with this. I had so many friends or I had bursts of "close" friendships that didn't last quite long. I only dated one guy as a single mommy. A spot-on charmer, smart, tall and handsome, no kids. A dream! It ended months later – I called it off. Pfft. He wanted a vulnerable woman to control, I was not that; not even under my doomed circumstance. Sad face but reality is what it is. C'est la vie! Late-twenties and I’m boring… not partying every weekend or “hanging out” at happy hour on weekdays instead I acquired hobbies. Ironically, the first was babysitting children of single moms needing time away for the little things like manis/pedis, haircuts or a date night. If I couldn’t do it then I should let someone else relish in a mini break. That pastime proved to be successful and then I moved on to professional makeup artistry. What started as a passion filled diversion went on to be a fruitful business. I left my mortgage job and followed my heart - I had survived!

I found closure where there was pain and wounds. For any woman who thinks she can't make it on her own, don't let that be the reason for choosing a life of unhappiness. You never know what you can accomplish until you try. I, too was weak, naive, afraid and confused about raising a child on my own. However, with time, I learned it is possible to live on a single paycheck while managing to maintain my fashionista ways. And, by leaving a partner I wasn't compatible with at the time, set a good example for my son and allowed me to take my new found freedom as a chance to re-discover my true self and create a life worth living rather than staying in a fated relationship. There are unique and not so unique things about being a single mom, and I know hearing from others who had been there, done that, really helped. Having pen & paper to vent whatever I wanted helped too. Best therapy ever!

Fast forward years later…

Joe (baby daddy) and I are back as a team. As one. We sought after advice from our closest friends & family and have planned a life for ourselves. God, our son and love brought us back together. He gained a fresh respect for me and me for him. I thank him for not holding me back before and he thanks me for not giving up on him… our little boy couldn’t be happier! The only downside to this triumphant saga is that Joe travels a lot for work and is away 75% of the time… So I’m back to fulltime mommy duties. I now know what Michelle Obama meant to say… her husband is a pretty busy guy (obviously) so she has to do a lot of the parenting herself. There are a lot of “sometimes single” parents out there that do share a lot of the same challenges as “fulltime single” parents. It’s a hard route for either circumstance - I've endured both.